Better still if people could come and collect mail from the depot’ say Royal Mail

Royal Mail say plans to reduce mail deliveries to just three days a week do not go far enough and should be cut even further.

The company insists plans to streamline the service will not affect delivery times or performance ratings as most people do not expect their mail to arrive on time anyway.

‘Our main aim is to maintain quality and provide a first class service….and we think reducing the amount of days we deliver mail will be the best way to guarantee it continues to arrive on time.

 'But in the long term we feel not delivering mail to our customers is only part of the solution.

'It would be better still if people actually visited their local Royal Mail depot in person to collect their mail. This means the quality of our service and expected delivery times would be entirely in their hands.

'Complaints about delivery times would disappear overnight as the responsibility would pass to the customer. After all…..who doesn’t want to be in control of when they actually get their mail.

'It would mean our CEO would not have to spend so much time in front of select committees, business tribunals and union reps trying to explain why we made a £419m loss last year and would have more time to spend on his favourite ski slope or sailing his yacht around the Caribbean.

 'Royal Mail would be safeguarded and so would his bonus.

'Better still…simply stop sending mail altogether. That way we won’t miss any deadlines or be accused of breaking any promises.

' Be honest.....you bin most of it without reading anyway.'

Image: Pixabay/aitoff

Divine worship with the Reverend Paula Vennells

Order of service:

The non-stipendary priest for St Owen, Bromham, Reverend Paula Vennells, will proceed up the aisle followed by a choir of Post Office lawyers clutching handcuffs and flasks of strychnine.

Vennells: Peace be with you.

All: And also with you.

Vennells: We'll see about that. We're going to start off by taking the collection, and I'm warning you thieving worms - if there's a shortfall, you're all going to prison.

While the collection is taken, a hymn may be sung or lawyers for the Post Office may issue writs to the congregation.

Vennells: The computer says there's not enough dosh on the plate. You're in trouble now.

All: The computer system must be faulty. They often are, you know - especially the ones the government buys.

Vennells: The next person who says that spends 25 years in solitary confinement.

Choir: Don't get her angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry.

Vennells: I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed.

Choir: All kneel, so we can kick you in the teeth.

During the prosecutions, the congregation will come forward to be financially disembowelled and have their reputations shredded. Appeals may be lodged or articles printed in the media, all of which the authorities will ignore.

Vennells: Depart in pieces, you miserable sinners. By the way: did you know they were actually thinking of making me Bishop of London?

Image: Pixabay/ Alexas_fotos

Courier company achieves ultimate goal of not existing at all

In a crowded and highly competitive field, courier company VERI (USELESS) has achieved the ultimate accolade of seeming not to exist at all.

“I was waiting in for a parcel, which the vendor told me would come today,” said frustrated consumer Dave Sandwich. “Then I get an email saying they’d tried to deliver it but I wasn’t home. Not even a card through the letterbox. I don’t reckon anyone ever came here.”

He tried to contact VERI via its website, only to be fobbed off with a chatbot that couldn’t do anything to help, and didn’t even recognise the tracking number they gave him in the email. 

“So I tried the helpline number, only to find it was just a recording. The website shows a picture of a smiling girl wearing a headset, but I can’t imagine who she is since no one seems to work there at all.

”I reckon the whole company consists of a telephone answering machine and a website deliberately designed to send you round in circles until you give up.”

Records at Companies House list the sole director and employee of VERI as Sarah Connor, showing that whoever set the company up at least has a sense of humour, though frankly describing it as a courier was enough to prove that.

image from pixabay