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Wicked Witch of the West’s Flying Monkey: We're scapegoats for Ruby Slipper failures



One of the flying monkeys from the Wicked Witch of the West’s troop says he and his mistress are being "hung out to dry" to distract from Wizard Of Oz’s government’s "incompetence" on procuring personal brain, heart and courage equipment.


Writing on Golden-X, (formally Goose Twitter) Monkey No 1. said it "suits the agenda" of Dorothy and her raggle taggle band to "scapegoat" them.


The Wicked Witches of the East and West were awarded contracts to supply Ruby Slippers through a so-called "V.I.P. Yellow Brick Road".


They are now being investigated by both the Lullaby League and The Lollipop Guild.



Recently discovered giant Pliosaur not eligible for UK residency, rules Sunak



The skull of a colossal sea monster that was unearthed from the Jurassic Coast that was due to go on display today has been ruled as ineligible to remain resident in the UK. Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, ruled that whilst it may not have come here on a small boat, it still entered the UK illegally via the coast without going through the proper channels.


"Whilst the Pliosaur may pose no immediate threats to resources in the UK", Mr Sunak told us, "it is quite obvious that it gained entry to the cliff face illegally and concealed itself 150 million years ago using British soil and shale resources. We must remain solid and vigilant to abuses of the system. There is every chance that the ancient sea monster came through French waters before settling here in the UK. This is unacceptable."


Mr Sunak also mentioned that there were plenty of indigenous, British fossils that require attention, study and housing at British museums. He did not accept that the facility to apply for asylum in the UK would not be built for another 150 millions years after it's death citing that whilst waiting lists were a worry, they will become manageable in the coming months. 



Government eyeing up US as market for pints of wine



A clearly excited government spokesman announced the 'imminence' of a new 'massivo' trade deal with 'good 'ole US of bleeding A', while holding a half empty example of the only known example of a pint bottle of wine in his hands.


A reporter questioned if the UK wine industry, a relatively small player on the international wine market, was really going to scale up making wine in an internationally unrecognised and unrequested size. The spokesman took a swig from the bottle and nodded, saying the US would be clamouring for wine in a volume container they were used to, plus the government, he said, pointing at his chest, had come up with a brilliant plan to boost entrepreneurs in the UK.


'All the critics say nobody will manufacture pint-size bottles, but I happen to know we already have a massive stockpile of bottles from the collapse of the home-delivered milk industry', he said waving the bottle around like he did in the Party Gate golden period. 'I personally can get hold of literally thousands of these babies, and all we need is to create a boom in the home brewing industry. It'll be like the VIP lane all over again, only with alcohol,' he burped, to which several journalists pointed out the last three words weren't really needed.


Another journalist asked if milk bottles could take the pressure of wine, the spokesman held up the nearly empty bottle and said 'obviously' before admitting he'd decanted a 75cl bottle from the office fridge as proof of concept, necking the residual amount. 'It's not like wine is pressurised,' he said, to flurry of raised hands.


An awkward moment followed when someone pointed out that US pints were four fluid ounces fewer than Imperial pints, but the spokesman shrugged to suggest 'who gives a shit?'. Finally, somebody asked if Rishi had authorised all of this, which produced a bemused look from the spokesman.


'Rishi? Is he still in charge?'he asked, finishing off the bottle and falling off the podium.



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