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Adam and Eve, the current heads of the Garden of Eden shortly, will take over on 1 September and The Serpent will be cursed to crawl on its belly as executive chairman. The Serpent will stay as chief executive through the summer to work with Adam and Eve on the transition from nudity, to being fully clothed. After that it will "assist with certain aspects such as banishment from the garden, introducing death and manual labour". This follows months of speculation that the Appl

The International Maritime Organisation is bringing back Tufty the Squirrel to offer advice to ships' captains as they try and make it through the perilous Strait of Hormuz. "Look right, look left, then look right ahead," says the iconic cartoon character - the star of British TV road safety films in the 1960s and 1970s - in a series of recent Instagram posts. "Listen out for the sound of missiles or drones," continues the perky Tufty, "and always tell a grown-up where you're

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Should they win the next election anyone over 5.6ft or 35 years will be deported. Specifically the recent influx of Normans and their inability to integrate without shooting people in the eye. A spokeswoman said: 'The true English should be riddled with smallpox and live in a pigsty, with none of this newfangled clean water. And the average Brit is a peasant called Ethelbert.' Weeding out the pseudo-French may prove hard, given that Reform's leader is called Farage. However,

Keir Starmer is unable to get any political messaging across because The Waily Male is monopolising the news cycle with spurious accusations besmirching Labour politicians. Instead of being able to detail fiscal recovery plans, Starmer is left facing a barrage of irate questions about what Ed Miliband did to a puppy in 1993. 'We have installed an advanced system called Three Tombolas,' said a Lucky Dip contractor for The Male. 'The first one produces the name of a Labour poli

More details have emerged of the huge mission undertaken to save President Trump's White House ballroom after the project was shot down. On the President's orders, thousands of lawyers were deployed across the country, issuing hundreds of writs to bring the ballroom back to life. 'We really flooded the zone with these legal eagles," one General Counsel told the press. "They've been hand picked by the our president for being maximum-strength grasping and unscrupulous, like him

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'Quite honestly, we don't know what the furore is all about,' said a spokesman for the government agency. 'People, usually politicians but sometimes the offspring of KGB officers, are nominated for vetting all the time. They always fail, it's always ignored,' he said, pointing out that practically every Conservative politician promoted to a sensitive role in the last fourteen years of Conservative government had an impression of being a 'tax dodging, law breaking, corrupt

During what is thought to be a nap brought on by sundowning (dementia fatigue), the US President discarded the notion from a previous dream, where he imagined himself as a deity, and now realises he is the reincarnation of Kubla Khan and intends to have the White House ballroom modelled on Xanadu. In a post on Truth Social, President Trump promised the ballroom would be opened by none other than Olivia Neutron-Bomb, singing her hit record, with a cast of reality TV dancists,

NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman. ‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’. The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its

WINNER: jeremynh RUNNERS UP Mary decided against the sightseeing trip to the Straits of Hormuz Sinnick Labour MP waves goodbye to its floating voters robfalconer