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It's one of the greatest tests of endurance known to humankind and will leave even the keenest followers of the news wondering why the hell they bother. Yes! It's the Mandelson Marathon - a low-voltage scandal involving some dusty old political has-been from the Blair years and a handful of crashingly dull senior civil servants which is, unfortunately, set to run and run around the Westminster village. 'After a week of hearing Starmer making hours-long statements about who sa

Prince Louis was photographed, on his fifth birthday, in a more comfortable, relatively modern, wheelbarrow than the traditional Royal single wheeled garden cart. The Gold State Wheel barrow has been used in every royal birthday photoshoot since the 1830s which William IV used to push his niece, Victoria, round the Buckingham Palace croquet lawn. The new Diamond Jubilee Wheelbarrow is much more modern than it appears, with air conditioning, electric windows and up-to-date sus

Given the current domestic political unrest in the US, and the ridiculously inflated FIFA pricing protocols, the Scottish local authority of Fife has decided to create the FIFE World Cup. "Aye, going back tae the guid auld days is whit we're after," said President of Fife World Cup, Joe Havelunch, from the World Cup HQ in Glenrothes. "We'll be makin' use o' three existing world class stadiums. One in Dunfermline, hame of the Athletic, one in Methil, hame tae East Fife, and th

Futureologist channel marketing guru, MadeiraWhine69 explained in snooty tones, 'Rather like the difference between inflow and outflow to one's home, an Influencer is really an Outfluents pipe of sewage, pumping rampant consumerism to the hypnotically challenged. The ins and outs of an industry which operates more as an outdustry are that incomes are responsible for catastrophic global outcomes.' So self absorbed by the way their looks might be perceived by millions of follow

Trading Standards officers have been inundated with complaints about ‘ready to eat’ pears. Customers say that, despite paying twice the price of ordinary pears, ready-to-eat pears are often anything but. ‘It’s obviously a scam,’ says pear-loving Colin Froot from Dorset. ‘You buy regular pears in bulk, repackage them as ‘ready-to-eat’ and double the price. Instant profit. It’s the same dodgy crew that buy ordinary eggs and repackage them as free-range. ‘I’m fed up with buy

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After the rejection of the latest pay offer by members, and in anticipation of strikes until the end of the year, the nurses union has just released its charity Christmas single, eight months early. A spokesperson said that the money from sales of the single will be used to help nurses with their food and energy bills. The charity single is a reworking of the 12 days of Christmas and celebrates daily life in the NHS. The lyrics are as follows On the twelfth day of Christmas,

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Following the historic passage of the Tobacco and Vapes Bill – which promises that anyone born after 2008 will remain as fresh as a dew-covered organic kale leaf – and the Terminally Ill Adults Bill, the government has clarified the new rules on choosing how to shuffle off this mortal coil. While you are now strictly forbidden from opting for a slow, smoky death via a packet of Lambert & Butler, you are warmly invited to select a quick, dignified one via the NHS – provided, o

'I wish to inform the House that evil elves - a gang known as the Downing Street SPADs - put me under a spell and persuaded me that Mandelson should be our man in Washington,' a swivel-eyed Sir Keir Starmer told the Commons. 'Then they told the wicked goblins at the Foreign Office not to tell me the bleeding obvious - that he had come nowhere even close to passing security vetting. 'I know, it's incredible,' said Starmer, in response to howls of disbelief from across the cham

T he Prime Minister claimed the 'I know nothing, I'm a complete muppet' defense when explaining his incompetence to the House of Commons. Asked if he was aware that Mandelson had failed his vetting, the PM claimed not to know what a vet was. By his own admission, his only qualification for the most powerful job in Britain is that he is completely clueless and has slopier shoulders than a pencil. Suddenly his inability to prosecute Jimmy Saville and Prince Andrew start to make

George Frideric Handel could win a prestigious songwriting award, a mere 296 years after the song was released. The composer’s “Zadok the Priest”, written in 1727 for George IV’s coronation, has experienced a major resurgence in popularity, in the run up to Charles III’s coronation. It's now been shortlisted in the "most performed song" category at the Ivor Novello Awards, which celebrate outstanding writing and composition. Government Minister for Antediluvian Nostalgia, Jac