Iran safe as Americans don't know where it is

Or how to pronounce it. In fact, given only 23% can find it on a map, chances are it will be Israel or Belguim that gets bombed.

Explained a four-star General: 'We know roughly where it is. It's near oil, their women dress like ghosts and they do the squiggly writing. It's definitely not Iraq, as we did those guys.'

US missiles will have an inbuilt sat nav and the Where's Wally Book of Fake Nukes. The major concern is that if they commit troops, then they will get buried in sand, along with their car keys. 'I have every confidence we will find it - it's next to Canada, right?'

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Mission Impossible 9: The Multiplying MacGuffins

INTERIOR: DAY

A man sits at a desk, looking steely and determined. This is JIM. Another man enters. This is JOHN.

JOHN: Sir, we have a situation.

JIM: Any arrangement of people or objects is a situation. You’ll have to be more specific.

JOHN: I feel that’s unnecessarily pedantic, sir.

JIM: So noted. What’ve you got?

JOHN: It’s the MacGuffins, sir. They’re out of control.

JIM: Dammit, John, I didn’t go to film school. What the hell’s a MacGuffin?

JOHN: It’s the thing everyone in the movie’s trying to get hold of. The details are always a little vague, but basically if the bad guys get it, it’s the end of the world.

JIM: I see. And we’re the good guys?

JOHN: Well, this movie’s for an American audience, so yes. 

JIM: So what’s the problem?

JOHN: The MacGuffin's are multiplying, sir. There used to be just one per movie, but recently there have been two, three or even more. And not only do we have to get hold of them, we have to combine them in ridiculously precise ways to avert disaster.

JIM: We’d better call in the All-American Hero.

JOHN: He’s not available, sir, but we have the nerdy but likeable sidekick. Come in, Simon.

SIMON enters

SIMON: Good morning, sir. I’ve been looking into…

JIM quickly reaches into his desk drawer, pulls out a Glock and tries to shoot SIMON, who dives behind a sofa for cover

JOHN: Sir, what the hell are you doing?

JIM: Can’t you hear his British accent? He’s the bad guy!

SIMON: English, actually…

JOHN: No, sir, we’re letting Brits play the sidekick these days.

JIM: We are?

JOHN: For a few years now.

JIM: Dammit, why wasn’t I told?

JOHN: Anyway Simon, you were saying?

SIMON: It’s bad, sir. I’ve looked at the design of the bomb, which implausibly was available on the internet, and it seems to stop it going off we have to get hold of eight different things with ridiculous names and activate them all at exactly the same time. What’s more, one of the people doing it must be halfway up a mountain in the Andes, the second in a shopping centre in Milton Keynes, the third must be dressed in Swiss national costume, the fourth must be named Arthur but prefer to go by his middle name, the fifth must have been born on a Tuesday, the sixth must have a long-lost brother he never speaks to, the seventh must have reached at least Grade 5 in a woodwind instrument but given up playing it years ago, and the eighth must be a distant cousin of one of the others but not realise it. Well don’t look at me like that, I didn’t write the bloody script - I’d hardly have given myself such a pathetic and unrewarding part, would I?

JOHN and JIM collapse from the effects of the nerve agent SIMON surreptitiously released. He peels off his face mask, revealing that he is in fact the All-American Hero.

A-AH: Or would I?

Picture credit: Deep Dream Generator

Media desperately grateful for Toblerone story

The news about the cancellation of dark chocolate Toblerone has been seized upon by media outlets, who are exhausted by a long run of bad news stories about Trump, Gaza, Ukraine, Tariffs, Climate Change, AI threats and Inflation-Recession-Stagflation-Cost-of-Living.

And just in time for Easter, too! How fortunate.

The Krafty Americans, temporarily rebadged as the meaningless Mondeleeez, know how to get good press. After all, they have only cancelled the 360g dark chocolate bar. You’ll still be able to get the ordinary ones, orange ones, caramel ones, white ones, peanut ones and coca-cola flavoured ones. They will still be clogging up airport shops all over the world. And you’ll still be able to get dark chocolate Toblerones in other sizes, including the tiny little ones. You know, the ones that used to be 100g, but are now down to around 60g after removing a few peaks.

You can bet there wouldn’t have been as much coverage if the 360g bar had been cancelled and replaced with a 330g bar.

Yes, decent news stories about anything nice, like chocolate, ice-cream or sunbeams, are in short supply. And the media does often suffer a dip in advertising at Easter. So running a non-threatening news story about a chocolate bar to give Mondeleeez some free publicity seems fair enough.

Other cosy news stories coming soon: 'Creme Eggs to have added vitamins', 'Peace in Ukraine after exchange of Chocolate Oranges' and 'Scunthorpe plant to start making Irn-Bru'.

image from pixabay