Candidates for new Pope emerge

Leading candidates for the new pope have emerged.

King Charles. The British monarch has a number of plus points - he is experienced being head of a church, he already wears a special hat and he has a balcony. It is understood that his Majesty has offered to add being head of the Catholic Church to being head of the Anglican Church - saving money on salaries and palaces.

Andrew Tate. Nominated by President Trump as someone who could be bigly in setting a moral example. Mr Trump said, "He's a great guy - the son I'd wished I'd had."

Richard Dawkins. Mr Dawkins has proved to have an outstanding knowledge of the bible and has said that he can resolve many of the religious conundrums that have concerned the church for centuries by pointing out that "it's all bollocks".

Cardinal Secola. Although an outstanding candidate, having a "Pope Secola" would feel a bit undignified.

Cardinal Goestheweasel. See above.

Whoopee Goldberg.  Having a black, Jewish, married woman as Pope might be seen as a step too far but Ms Goldberg does have experience in dressing as a nun.

image from pixabay

Andrew Tate revealed as comedy character

Manosphere “influencer” Andrew Tate was today revealed to be a comedy character, created and performed by comedian Steve Bradshaw.

'I’d been working the clubs for a while, keeping my head above water without ever really breaking through,' said Bradshaw today. 'Then I read something about these manosphere influencers on the internet, and thought that was a ripe subject for parody.

'I never for a moment imagined people would take him seriously. I mean, do people watch Philomena Cunk and think she’s a real historian? Or Nigel Farage and think he’s a real politician?'

'It is weird,” agreed Mike Jenkins, who Bradshaw recruited to play Tate’s brother Tristan. “I mean, the obvious homoeroticism of these guys hanging around the gym all day admiring each other’s physiques, but claiming to be 100% uber-heterosexual. In a way, it’s a little depressing people haven’t got the joke.'

Bradshaw said he also felt bad about “Hustlers’ University”, started by “Tate” a few years ago to give disaffected young men the life skills to become “hustlers”.

'Surely it’s obvious he’s the one hustling them? Taking their money and giving them nothing but retarded garbage in return? How do people not get this?'

In the circumstances, and despite the fact they’re making him more money than comedy ever did, he agreed to suspend all Tate’s courses lest they cause harm in the real world.

Meanwhile on Reddit, the subthread r/tateisreal was created so angry young men could warn each other not to be taken in by the “fake news” that Tate is a comedian who was taking the piss out of them all along.

'Tate completely changed my life,' said user AlphaBro. 'Without him, I’d never have got my girlfriend to do webcam work, so I could live a life of leisure off the money she makes me. Well, I say girlfriend - I haven’t seen her in a while, and her stuff doesn’t seem to be in the flat any more. Which means I’ve finally got room for a weights bench and gaming chair! #livingmybestlife'

Photo by Sigmund on Unsplash