Australia solves rising sea level crisis by giving everyone a surfboard

'It's a bonza solution to global warming,' said Australian Prime Minister and digeridoo salesman, Scott Morrison.

If everyone has a surfboard, they don't have to worry about a deluge of water sweeping away their homes. They can ride out the wave to the nearest available patch of hilly ground. What's not too like? I'll even throw in some of my old Kylie CD's if it helps.

There's no way I'm cutting down on coal until at least 2175, despite what I said after seventeen tinnies in the bar at the climate shindig. Here in Australia, we're looking forward to more heat. It just makes lighting up the barbie down by the billabong a whole lot easier. Besides, if all these do-gooders stop us digging up coal, how will we feed our indigenous people?

Image: Patsasha | Pixabay

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UK welcomes 'bonzer' boomerang deal

The new trade deal with Australia is set to put the British economy on a stellar course as the UK gets access to zero tariff kangaroos, boomerangs and digeridoos. It tried to swap Rolf Harris as part of the deal, but compromised by lowering food standards to kebab floor levels.

'It was a tough negotiation, but now we can export corks attached to hats for the first time, there's no stopping us,' said a member of the government negotiating team. 'Apparently they intend cutting the corks off and sticking them in bottles of murky chemicals labelled as wine. We even get out corks back as part of the deal,' he said.

British farmers are understood to be pleased that the UK will be awash with cheap, tasteless wine as part of the deal, as it will be all they will be able to afford to drown their sorrows as their industry is sold from under them.