"We hired Chris Mason as our political editor because he sees right inside your head," a BBC AI bot with a crystal ball told reporters.
"Let's say the deputy prime minister resigns. You think to yourself: 'that's a bit tricky for Starmer', and you promptly forget you'd ever thought it.
"But then, there'll be a BBC news alert and an article will appear from Chris Mason saying: 'this is a bit tricky for Starner' - helpfully alerting you to what had gone through your mind three hours before, while you were feeding the cat.
Similarly, you saw on the telly Trump sodding off on Airforce One at the end of his state visit and you vaguely mused: 'that went off all right'. Well, Chris Mason then echoed your thoughts to the letter with a typically penetrating piece of journalism which said: 'that went off all right'.
"That's the reason for reading Chris Mason's stuff. He's the best in Britain for telling you what you already know.
"Later this autumn," said the spokes-creep, as yawning reporters started toppling off their seats with boredeom, "keep an eye out for Chris Mason giving us more of his stunningy profound insights into the state of our nation with articles saying 'it's getting a bit nippier' and 'the leaves are falling off the trees'.
Chris Mason's latest masterpiece - 'What I did on my smashing summer holiday with Nige in Birmingham' - is available on BBC News Online.
Charles has set Harry a target of 10,000 charitable works to secure his rehabilitation to royal life.
Every journey begins with the first step. In this case, it's Harry's visit to Ukraine. Charles said that Harry's donation to Children in Need does not count, as rehabilitation must be earned and cannot be bought. And nor should rehabilitation be filmed for Netflix or written about in trashy books.
After a long period of abstinence from the media a modest BBC documentary on BBC Four might be acceptable.
Harry is reported to be very pleased, as he now feels that he has a purpose in life, beyond transferring popcorn from big bags into little bags. He has worked out that, at the rate of two visits a day, he should be restored to the King's good books by 2039. As long as nothing else goes wrong before then...
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