"I'd been looking forward to watching Hunt getting his comeuppance for months", said a disconsolate Ivy Jenkins from Clacton, "Up until June, I'd been picturing Boris Johnson's baffled face as he gets booted out, now he's resigned and Hunt's on his way out I'm reduced to looking forward to watching Rees-Mogg's Nanny drying his eyes."
Panic gripped Westminster today as there was a collective realisation that no-one had been keeping an eye on Boris Johnson.
'He was here, like 10 days ago, said his close protection guard who chose to remain anonymous, 'but he just muttered some nonsense about "wiff-waff" and barreled out into the garden and ran through a fence. We haven't been able to locate him since.'
The guard said it was not unusual for Mr Johnson to go missing for a few days but he always returned to mate or feed. Or both. 'His instincts are relatively simplistic and easily serviced,' said John Jarrow, Johnson's PA / keeper since 2015, 'but his urges drive him to bolt in order to immediately satisfy himself. Last month he had to be extracted after attacking a horse who he'd thought was challenging his manhood.'
Other Johnson excursions include getting naked and hiding in the luggage stow of a helicopter bound for Guernsey; going missing for a few days and being found in Chichester after being startled by his reflection; and repeatedly humping a mannequin in Selfridges. 'I just fear he's impregnated someone again,' said Jarrow, 'it's difficult to keep up with Boris never mind all of his children too.'
In a bold move, the conservative party have decided against using terrible individuals as MPs. This shocking manoeuvre was deemed necessary when a pattern was spotted by in house election specialists.
They decided that employing bullies, both emotional and physical, worryingly didn’t please the general public. Even firing them, then immediately rehiring them didn't provide positive feedback.
Even though a core element of supporters seemed to enjoy the incompetent racist vibe, it was difficult to attract new voters. A tactic of lining you and your mates own pockets with fast tracked money schemes was deemed sub-optimal in focus groups.
Using terrible people to choose who to employ next, ended up with more terrible people. A statement by a source close to the Conservative party said: ”Weird.”
They even tried a daring tactic of using desperate media whores who didn't care about their constituency. Surprising no one, apart from the entire party, this did not work well at all.
Conservative Alexander de Pfeffel Johnson was alleged to have been heard by someone close as saying “Only way to win is to bring back Boris!” The surrounding conservatives cheered.
