Sunak: 'Now Boris is gone, I’m a big brave boy'

Rishi Sunak was sounding tough on refusing to give Boris Johnson all of the peerages he wanted, in much the same way that a nerd talks tough when the bullies aren’t around to flush his head down the toilet.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst sighed wearily ‘Rishi’s authority as Prime Minster is a firm as a supply teacher over-extending a damp single ply toilet roll. Nadine Dorries says she’s resigned but hasn’t yet – I bet the Chiltern Hundreds are devastated. Rishi calls her Nodame instead of Nadine. Not to her face obviously, he’s petrified of her, even though sinister forces mean he can’t understand what she’s saying.’

‘Don’t forget, Liz Truss’ honours list is next. That ought to be fun and totally sane. Arise, Sir Pork Markets.’

Three Kings photo: 'Know your place, peasants'

A photograph showing Chuck 3, Wills 5 and G-Dog 7 in bethroned opulence has reminded all non-royal Brits that, fundamentally, they are worthless, boot-licking scum. Forelock tuggers across the land got a quasi-sexual thrill from the snap as they saw enough King to last the UK until the 22nd century.

By this time, the royals will presumably have transferred their consciousness into heavily armed cybernetic "killer" robots to ensure sufficient servility amongst the remaining population.

That this hasn't happened already is the fault of Meghan Markle claim several hysterical tabloids. They insist that Markle personally held a pillow over the face of Lizzo 2: This time it's personal, until she stopped struggling. In reality Lizzo 2 met Lizzo Truss and simply abandoned hope.

Royal enthusiast Warren Wright said 'Why oh why oh why do people complain about having to choose between heating and eating when the monarchy also faces difficult choices: like which golden carriage to ride in, or whether to apologise for slavery or disown a sweaty paedophile. Charles' magnificence alone warms your heart and fills your stomach. He is your King. Know your place, you filthy, disgusting serfs. Kneel. KNEEL!'

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst added 'We're now allowed to arrest you if you don't like the monarchy. And we definitely will, because voter ID laws, plus a royalist only electorate could keep the Tories in power until the 22nd century as well - one of BoJo's grandchildren as PM.

image from pixabay

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Royal Mail to charge Graham Brady per letter delivered

In a pre-emptive move, Royal Mail has announced that it will be charging on a 'per letter' basis for delivery of post to the address of Graham Brady, chair of the Conservative 1922 Committee for the next few days.

'We have suffered some tough economic conditions over recent months,' said a spokesperson for the Royal Mail, 'and this is just too good an opportunity to miss. We are expecting a big rise in post to Mr Brady over the next couple of days, and we could turn the fortunes our company round by moving to a simple piece rate charging system.

'We need to cover our costs too,' continued the spokesperson. 'We lost 2 posties to chronic back pain back in April, after having to deliver sack loads of no confidence letters to the PM to Sir Graham.

'This time round, we're investing a couple of big ship container crates to hold all the likely letters, and we'll schedule for twice-daily deliveries to try and keep on top of things.' continued the source.

In a goodwill gesture, the Royal Mail has offered a 50% discount to the PM himself for forwarding of his mail from Number 10 to to any new address he might happen to move to over the coming months.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/no-longer-here-19203/