Johnson impregnates medical staff using elbow

Doctors and nurses have been shocked to discover the PM's 'jolly' elbow bumps were all part of an elaborate mating ritual. Throughout the Covid crisis, Mr. Johnson has been trying to fertilise the nation, one Hospital at a time.

Supposed photo opportunities, were just an excuse to rub elbows and spread his Midwich seed. Complained one health professional: 'He didn't wear a mask or any other form of protection. And what about STD's? Clap for nurses takes on a whole different meaning.'

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Rescuers attempt to save Westminster man trapped by his own lies

A major operation was underway in Downing Street this morning. Emergency services rushed to the scene after receiving dozens of calls reporting a trapped man inside number ten.

The man is known to security services and has a long record of embellishing facts, stretching the truth and telling the most outrageous porkies. This includes tax hikes, claiming Jeremy Corbyn wanted to scrap Jeremy Corbyn and something about forty new hospitals.

The Head of Search and Rescue said it was a difficult operation, and his teams were working in incredibly challenging and dangerous conditions.

‘We believe the sheer weight of lies and falsehoods finally caught up with the man, and the rug was suddenly pulled from under his feet. The upper floor then collapsed under the weight of bullshit which brought everything down on top of him.

Our rescuers are keeping him warm by wrapping him in the rug, and I’m told they have every confidence he won’t run out of hot air anytime soon. The rapidly escalating situation is very much touch and go. We touch him and then we all want to go.'

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

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As accusations of Johnson's utter incompetence grow it appears the PM's not for turning

As momentum builds at Westminster acknowledging Boris Johnson's utter incompetence and total lack of integrity, Tory MPs are said to becoming increasingly more worried with each passing day.

One minister speaking off the record said: 'Look we all know he's a feckless narcissist, although he did do a job for us on Brexit. But now though, I'm rather afraid patience is fast running out among colleagues and something needs to be done.'

And it appears that something involves a radical change of tack for the PM. There are growing calls for Mr Johnson to start doing some actual work, with many suggesting 'work' cannot be defined as swanning around schools and factories shaking hands and looking for pointless photo opportunities up to five times a week.

The minister continued: 'We're talking about getting things done. Putting in a shift. Actually getting his hands dirty. You know, reading and not shredding briefings, then god forbid, acting on them promptly and decisively with real ideas and policies.'

However, it's unclear just how receptive Mr Johnson is to the rising clamour, as a leaked extract from his engagement diary detailing the period from now to Christmas, shows he has three Caribbean holidays paid for by benefactors scheduled, a trip to Covent Garden Opera House, something called Beckie's Dungeon, a half-completed game of hangman, two ink blots and a tomato ketchup stain.

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