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Updated: Dec 3, 2021
Tory MP’s in red wall areas were left speechless and outraged after Downing Street’s latest levelling up transport announcement. People in the North had their hopes of a high-speed rail network crushed as the government condemned them to another hundred years of overcrowded piss-filled trains and wonky level crossings.
Sir Tarquin Ogilvy MP (Ebahgumshire South) said he was appalled at the decision. “All they are doing is upgrading the crisps on the Batley to Grimthorpe mainline from Walkers to the hand-cooked kettle variety. With the price of a first-class return from Bradford to Scumton at over £13,000 off-peak, it’s going to price most universal benefit claimants off the railways and back onto their pit ponies.”
A government spokesman said it was vital that a global Britain had a Prime Minister who could literally jet off to Chequers whenever he felt the need to avoid any inconvenient car crashes.
The Met Office has issued an amber extreme heat warning for the first time, driving the pound for pound cost of air conditioning units, street name "AC" or "air" above that of crack cocaine or bitcoin.
An former AC dealer spoke on condition of anonymity:
'I was mixed up in the "air" scene, yeah, but it's just too brutal now, so I've gone back to dealing heroin. I knew a John Lewis delivery guy, dropped off a water cooler by mistake. Nice neighbourhood. They beat him to death with it and left him by the side of the road like a warning.'
A fixer for the PM, self-isolating at Chequers said:
'It's hot and he's confined to base, avoiding Covid blame, so he's frisky. The chef said we were having roast pork and I didn't like the faraway look in his eye. Send AC and nudes.'