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Charles saves planet by turning down corgi sauna 1.5 °C



Now that corgis no longer reside at the Palace, it has been thoughtfully recognised that the requirement to keep their pampering suite nice and toasty may have diminished. Although most of the world is somewhat relieved that King Charles has single-handedly saved the planet, British subjects have been left with an odd feeling.


'Huh. Buckingham Palace has a swimming pool,' said Barbara Brown from Swindon. 'It never crossed my mind all of these years. I've always thought of them as a "flat on their bellies lapping out of the Serpentine" sort of family.'


'It didn't occur to me, either, mused Marvin Welles from Bath. 'I mean, it wasn't that I thought chlorine might cause harm to lizards, it's just that I never thought of Her Majesty doing lengths. Or Charles bombing. Something about them always suggested they wouldn't float too well. I also hadn't considered Buck Pal-on-the-Mall having a gym; it's more an indoor archery longroom sort of place. Maybe a heads of state trophy room. But what would they have done with the bodies? A torsos of state skittle alley?'


Fiona Williams from Wrexham added, 'In my mind, it's lavish room after lavish room of glorious ancestral portraits, and national treasures "voluntarily" gifted from former countries of the Empire. There just wouldn't be the space, even for a paddling pool. Especially after the Nicholas Witchell (Sex) Dungeon of Torture was installed.


Mary Andrews from Falkirk offered, 'I can imagine a royal swimming pool filled with liquid gold. That would need some heating. King Charles might've realised that could be turned down a degree or two.'


H/T Lockjaw



All future IPCC reports to say climate disaster imminent



A future report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which arrived in our time by falling through a wormhole in spacetime, has caused astonishment by saying exactly what the current one does.


"To be honest, we thought it was the current report until we saw the date," said a scientist. "In fact it's the 79th IPCC report, produced in 2146."


"But it says exactly the same - that climate disaster is just around the corner unless we act now."


Asked how total climate breakdown could always be imminent but never actually happen, the scientist mumbled something about how "we must have done just enough to stave off disaster" without steering clear of the danger entirely.


"And besides, what cause the wormhole, eh? Definitely greenhouses gases. And we'll make sure the next report says so."




Having more words for snow will prevent global warming, says Trump



Donald Trump is running on a Make America Cold Again platform in 2024, after his research has found a correlation between the number of words for snow and climate change. "Fact: the North Pole is cold because they have 21 words for snow there", he says, pointing to Antarctica on the map. "America is getting warmer because it has only one".


"Canada is a bit better than us", he continues. "It has two words - snow and what is it, neige? - so it's a bit colder. Hell, we can at least catch up with Canada". He will advise the UN Convention on Climate Change to set a target of 15 words for snow by 2030.


However, an Inuit spokesman says Mr Trump has it all wrong. "The reason we have so many words for snow is because our favourite book is Roget's Thesaurus", he reveals. "There's a copy in every igloo around here". He describes the former president's theory as "ridiculous, ludicrous, contemptible, risible, preposterous".




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