UK Government announces deal to send Illegal Immigrants to Iceberg A23a

UK Home Secretary, James Cleverly, has announced a deal with Iceberg A23a to process illegal immigrants coming to the UK in "Small Boats". The iceberg, a massive 280m deep and has a landmass twice the size of London,  was carved from the Antarctic coast in 1986 and is about to drift beyond the reaches of the Continent.

'This Conservative Government has yet again come up with a deal that is innovative, humane, value for money and a clear deterrent", said Mr Cleverly, "The iceberg is completely free of people and is run entirely by some very enterprising Polar Bears whose only requirement was a steady supply of Meat and Fish. We will ensure they get this in abundance saving millions for the British taxpayer.'

Mr Cleverly also went only to say that Human Rights concerns are baseless as Polar Bears are not human and are therefore exempt from it's purview.

A spokesbear growled, "This is a great deal as our needs are simple, we want meet and fish and you have plenty to send us."

Photo by Hubert Neufeld on Unsplash

Oil producing nations pledge to use ‘green’ methods for murders

We deeply regret the totally unsustainable way we used to cut up and dispose of the bodies of thse we have secretly murdered,’ said Usman X, a prominent figure in the middle east murder world.

‘The electric bones saw we used to dismember them were powered by mains electricity generated by fossil fuels. This must never happen again and we promise our embassies and government buildings round the world will all, by 2035, have solar power so  we can generate electricity for tasers, genital tortures and other methods of secret coercion and punishment, as well as for deniable murders.’

Usman X continued:; ‘Meanwhile, we still lead the world in sustainability where judicial punishment is involved. Head for head, (or more likely hand for hand)  severing, stoning,  beheading and whipping use far less energy than imprisonment, with its electric lights and heating, while hanging uses the benign and natural force of gravity to do its work, unlike the wasteful electric chair.’

Mr X said his organization was proud to do its bit to lessen the global impact of fossil fuels and he looked forward to a time when the former oil-producing nations shun oil completely and depend entirely on the income from novelty swimming pools and weird skyscrapers.

Photo by Zbynek Burival on Unsplash

Climate emergency upgraded from “meh” to “whatever”

Ministers and heads of state from all over the world, meeting in Dubai for the Conference Of the Parties to Obviate the Universal Threat (or Cop Out) 28 conference, have issued a statement upgrading the status of impending climate disaster from “meh” to “whatever”.

The statement was issued after a prolonged discussion as to whether future Cop Outs could be held somewhere a bit more fun. 

'Sure Dubai is great for shopping - I knew I shouldn'a brought the wife!” quipped one senior politician from a country with a huge carbon footprint. “And you can get a drink if you know the right people.'

'But it's so damn hot and there's no nightlife. Couldn’t we do it in Bangkok or somewhere next time?'

'Yeah, then you definitely won’t bring the wife!” laughed his colleague from another oil producing nation.

”I’m not saying we’ve had no fun at all,” he continued. “I’ve never laughed so hard as yesterday, when someone suggested politicians from neighbouring countries could share private jets when flying to these conferences.

”I mean, seriously - if we start applying the same rules to ourselves as we do to the little people, where will it end? Paying taxes?!?'

Photo by Headway on Unsplash