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Area man, Alan Roades, 57, facing another lonely Christmas has told us that he is comforted by the fact that leading brands and services are “really looking out for him and his perceived needs”.


“Just a few minutes ago I was invited to come along and see the Coca Cola lorry in Cardiff. A lovely gesture!” Said Mr Roades, “I mean completely impractical, I’m in Peterborough, but it’s a lovely thought. Also, M&M Direct wished me a very Happy Christmas and enquired as to whether I was low of Lonsdale branded boxer shorts. As it happens, I am. So yet again, looking out for me.”


He also went onto to tell us a heartwarming tale of amazon checking daily as to whether he needed a new mattress even though he had bought one 4 months ago. “Clearly they’re worried about my comfort, which is a huge bonus for me, knowing somewhere out there an algorithm has really taken the time to get to know me.”


Of course, like all great friendships, the algorithms don’t always get it right as Mr Roades told us he wasn’t in the market for Anal Beads and Masonic Ritual supplies and has no idea why they popped up in his email inbox!




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Violent video games like Grand Theft Auto have been criticised for failing to keep pace with the level of gratuitous savagery shown on the news every day.


Video game fan Oscar Oldroyd, 15, blames the news for glorifying violence. 'I've seen some of the horrors my parents watch on the news - I prefer my violence fake. I haven't yet found the GTA mod that enables you to deport people to Rwanda for... well seemingly for bantz. Or the mod that tells Palestinians to flee, then bombs where they get sent to. My prostitute bludgeoning is online only, but real people voted for Home Alone 2's Donald Trump to have nuclear launch codes - no self-respecting video game would render a person's skin that colour.'


Tabloid news hack Bob Bridlington leered 'We give the people what they want - racism, tits, brutal violence and Tory spivs. They love it.'



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Following criticism that luxury flats in Folkestone look like something out of the Flintstones, crestfallen architects are turning their skills to a less visible form of architecture: that inside computer CPUs.


The move promises to provide interesting challenges for the computing industry, as architects from Le Corbusier to Richard Rogers are well known for being visionary imbeciles who will typically design buildings that focus the sun’s rays so they can melt cars.


Nevertheless, the computing industry is gearing itself for the next generation of PCs by ditching the logo “Intel Inside” and replacing it with “It’s Mental in Here”. CPUs are likely to lose their sleek efficient appearance and be housed inside Brutalist concrete enclosures.


King Charles refused to comment on this latest venture for architects, saying that’s what heirs in waiting are for, however a source close to the king told Newsbiscuit that if anyone brought one of the new architecture computers inside Buckingham Palace they’d need to be careful that the king didn’t shoot it like his father would have.


Photo by S. Tsuchiya on Unsplash

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