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Valentine’s Day relationship test subverted by big business



According to social media, you can find out if your partner really loves you by suggesting that they should peel an orange for you. If they are prepared to undertake this small act of kindness for you, then they are indeed a keeper.


However, big business has moved in to undermine the test, as up-market stores are now selling pre-peeling oranges, satsumas, kumquats and even grapes. And to minimise the effort required even further, you can have them delivered to your house in under 30 minutes.


So, if you feel the need to test your partner in this way, you should make sure that they haven’t been cheating on you with the internet.


Experts say that it may be better to address the issue more directly. For example, by asking your partner if they can lend you fifty quid.


Area lonely man comforted by fact he is tracked by cookies at Christmas



Area man, Alan Roades, 57, facing another lonely Christmas has told us that he is comforted by the fact that leading brands and services are “really looking out for him and his perceived needs”.


“Just a few minutes ago I was invited to come along and see the Coca Cola lorry in Cardiff. A lovely gesture!” Said Mr Roades, “I mean completely impractical, I’m in Peterborough, but it’s a lovely thought. Also, M&M Direct wished me a very Happy Christmas and enquired as to whether I was low of Lonsdale branded boxer shorts. As it happens, I am. So yet again, looking out for me.”


He also went onto to tell us a heartwarming tale of amazon checking daily as to whether he needed a new mattress even though he had bought one 4 months ago. “Clearly they’re worried about my comfort, which is a huge bonus for me, knowing somewhere out there an algorithm has really taken the time to get to know me.”


Of course, like all great friendships, the algorithms don’t always get it right as Mr Roades told us he wasn’t in the market for Anal Beads and Masonic Ritual supplies and has no idea why they popped up in his email inbox!



Grand Theft Auto VI 'far less violent' than the news




Violent video games like Grand Theft Auto have been criticised for failing to keep pace with the level of gratuitous savagery shown on the news every day.


Video game fan Oscar Oldroyd, 15, blames the news for glorifying violence. 'I've seen some of the horrors my parents watch on the news - I prefer my violence fake. I haven't yet found the GTA mod that enables you to deport people to Rwanda for... well seemingly for bantz. Or the mod that tells Palestinians to flee, then bombs where they get sent to. My prostitute bludgeoning is online only, but real people voted for Home Alone 2's Donald Trump to have nuclear launch codes - no self-respecting video game would render a person's skin that colour.'


Tabloid news hack Bob Bridlington leered 'We give the people what they want - racism, tits, brutal violence and Tory spivs. They love it.'


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