Tories hail epic media strategy success

The Conservative party is thrilled that its new media strategy has successfully dominated all news reporting during the party conference.

An insider explained that the strategy is simple: engage journalists on one story, to the exclusion of everything else. This avoids a torrent of different ‘bad’ stories as the media throws things at the wall to see what will stick. The method is also simple: leak a big policy announcement, to tease the press. Then refuse to talk about it for days on end, winding up the journos into a frenzy.

The strategy has worked well with HS2. The government leaked a story about cancellation, and then steadfastly refused to discuss it. The result was hours and hours of media time and effort wasted trying to get Ministers to confirm or deny the story. And as a bonus, no other conference stories got covered in the press – not Boris, not Partygate, not Liz Truss, not cost of living, not strikes, not sewage, not red wall, not that guy from Iceland, not Brexit, not Covid.

A media wonk told us ‘It has worked beyond our wildest dreams. The media fell for it hook, line and sinker. It’s epic. Malcolm Tucker would be proud of us.’

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Penny Mordaunt and Nadine Dorries scrap after Conservative Conference meat raffle turns nasty

‘I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to have a meat raffle’, one delegate told us, ‘but I don’t think Nadine will be the same after that. Penny’s quite hard, isn’t she?’

The two politicians both claimed the winning ticket for the top prize of a hamper of meat. The idea for the raffle had come from a focus group which had been asked to suggest some “fun, Northern things to do in Manchester” – and in fairness, “catfight between two drunk MILFs” had been second on the list. However, the event organisation had been left to the intern who runs the Conservative Party’s Twitter feed, so it was, predictably, an abortion.

‘Didn’t stand a chance’, one conference-goer told us. ‘Penny’s got forearms like a docker. Language to match. Nadine talks a good game but she’d taken on a bit too much refreshment – well, it was after midday – and her coordination was off’.

Both women have been offered contracts by PornHub.

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Tories will end the Sex Tax

Conservatives are determined to stop Labour implementing the Sex Tax, charging hard-working families £500 just for ordinary nookie. Extra for oral.

Some observers have noted that Labour have never mentioned a sex tax but Conservative ministers have pointed out that “they would say that, wouldn’t they?” which is surprisingly difficult to counter.

‘We believe in personal choice but Labour want you to eat broccoli and whack yourself off to the sound of D-Ream’, a spokesman said. ‘They want to tax meat until only the rich can afford it whereas we want to import diseased meat which everyone can afford’.

Other vote-winning policies include frisking schoolchildren for their mobile phones to stop them calling the emergency services when the building collapses. ‘Being crushed by tons of concrete is character-building, never did me any harm’ said one minister, before quietly enquiring whether there would be ‘openings’ for freelance friskers.

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