top of page
Search

Secret Tory election campaign says if you vote Labour you will catch gay


ree

Ahead of the next general election, the Conservatives are already laying the groundwork to dissuade the electorate from voting for other parties. The campaign is called Stop The Votes.


Downing Street spokes-fiend Bernard Hythe-Bonner said, 'Well, we've not won many friends in recent years, so few people trust us to continue in government. All we can really do is have a bit of a giggle petrifying as many as possible into believing anyone else they're thinking of voting for would be even worse than us.


'To that end, shady overseas targeting companies have been slipped millions in taxpayer funds to identify the most gullible members of British society, sneakily drip-feeding them outrageous untruths via their social media about opposition parties and their politicians.


'It is all absolutely legal and above board for us to do this,' continued Hythe-Bonner. 'Partly because our Democracy Research Group ensured there are no specific laws preventing us from knowingly fabricating lies and saying whatever we want, and partly because we've performed a little dentistry on the Electoral Commission, if you know what I mean.


'The worst they can do is fine us £70,000, which is actually an incentive for us to conduct the most heinous electoral fraud we can concoct. The way we see it, that's a pittance to pay to ensure we are victorious again at the next election. We'd be fools not to.


'When online, the most pliable-minded will be exposed to untraceable material which scares them with messages like: "If you vote Labour, you will catch gay", "Keir Starmer was Jimmy Savile's butler", and "A vote for Labour is a vote for tofu eating wokerati who will force you to install gender neutral toilets in your own home".


'Of course, all toilets in people's homes are already gender neutral, but as long as people are still furious about immigrants coming over here and being all immigranty, then they're not being furious about us raiding the public purse for our own private helicopters.'




The Conservative Comptroller of Avarice speaks out


ree

"People are calling us 'the Nasty Party' : we're not nasty, we are just disorganised"


We are in conversation with the recently appointed Comptroller of Avarice, Charles Harding, MP for 'somewhere dreadful beginning with an H, or is it a P ?'. Mr. Harding's role, unique to this government, holds the brief of bringing some sense of direction to the current Government's plethora of inhumane policies and diabolical schemes.


"The issue here is that we have too many directives running simultaneously that are interfering with each other, and even cancelling each other out. In our rush to get 'snouts in the trough' - an apt analogy ! - we are queering someone else's pitch and reducing the likelihood of the best return possible, whilst running the risk of upsetting the whole shebang : as Tories, we should be skimming off the cream - and potentially drinking most of the milk - not attempting to slit the poor cow's throat. It's all so very counterproductive and confusing"


"Take 'Stop The Boats'. Turning them back at sea ? Where is the profit in that ? A charge on lifeboats ? Apparently not. Yet-to-be built detention centres, marked-up hotel accommodation, expensively chartered flights and the return of prison hulks ? All schemes competing for the same pot, none reaching their full potential, all at odds with each other. Whilst admiring the enterprise we have to admit that a degree of coordination is required on what has become a rather messy free-for-all"


"Having realised the enormity of this issue, I took the idea to the Rishter, and he agreed that some sort of overseeing authority was needed. Staring me straight in the tie-pin, he then asked if I was man enough for the job - and here I am"


Brushing a non-existent fleck from the immaculate lapel of suit, the Comptroller continues.


"Of course, there is one huge flaw in this role : no self-respecting Tory MP worth his - or her - expense account is ever going to have any truck with a regulatory body, let alone seek their advice, so my workload is not what you would call heavy"


At this point the Comptroller rocks back in his chair, places both hands behind his head and sighs happily.


"So here I sit in my sumptuous office doing nothing, drawing an obscene salary and ogling Marta's impressive décolletage between visits to the House restaurants where I dine on the finest, most heavily subsidised European cuisine in the country"


A wide reptilian grin starts to spread across the Comptroller's face, but a sudden thought replaces it with a frown.


"Until, of course, some interfering, jumped up Mainwaring-esque Little Englander berk knocks it all too cock and demands that the catering staff are deported and be replaced with some ghastly proper English food cafeteria affair"


The Comptroller grimaces, then sighs again, this time laden with exasperation.


"See what I am up against ?"




Disney praises ‘awesome’ Tory villains

‘The British Conservative Party writes such memorable villains’, a Disney spokesman said. ‘They’re a throwback to Hans Christian Anderson and the Brothers Grimm. Robert Jenrick painting over cartoon characters – brilliant. Suella Braverman dreaming of sending people to Rwanda – inspired. We really like Priti Patel’s smirk – such an ice maiden – fanciable but evil. Brings the dads to the movie theatre’.


Many Conservatives have been quick to deny that they are cartoon villains, though Nadine Dorries has been seen flirting in her clumsy manner and asking Disney execs if they might have a role for a “tipsy blonde”.


‘We’re following the barge story with interest’, the spokesman said. ‘We’d like to see Jacob Rees-Mogg in his top hat doing something nasty. He has a lovely Dick Dastardly vibe. Say what you will about the Conservative Party there’s no denying their commitment to their art. We’ve never seen actors stay in character for so long. It’s almost as if they don’t need to act . . .’




bottom of page