Scenes at Conservative HQ as results from GE 2019 trickle in

NewsBiscuit has discovered that the election after-party in 2019 was so wild that the Conservatives mistakenly thought they had lost to Labour. News that they have been in power for the last four years is slowly filtering through.

‘You’re shitting me’, one MP told reporters. ‘To be fair, I was off my tits for about a week. Ask Govey, he’s always at the front of the conga. It was us? We won?’

Several backbenchers appeared stunned by the news. ‘Does that mean . . . are we the ones who are supposed to stop all the poo going into the rivers? Are you sure? ‘

Conservatives have been blaming Keir Starmer for the state of the economy for some time. Now we know why. It also explains why Rishi Sunak never answers any questions at PMQs – he presumably thinks Starmer should be answering them.

‘So all those planes arriving during the pandemic without quarantine – were we supposed to sort that out? Oh shit!’

Another MP asked ‘But can we keep the bungs?’, suggesting that they have some awareness of reality.

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Roofers able to get brain damage is a Brexit bonus

The Conservative Party has agreed that removing health and safety rules designed to protect workers from brain damage, by not insisting on wearing safety gear when working at height, has levelled the field. 'There's evidence, anecdotal evidence, from someone no-one has ever heard of, that UK roofers working on UK roofs were being undercut by foreign workers working on foreign roofs not adhering to the same health and safety rules.

'Clearly it was advantageous for UK home owners to take their houses over to the continent to get their roofs replaced by bare-headed if occasionally brain damaged roofers, then shipping their homes back to blighty,' said a government spokesman. 'Now you can get your roof replaced for £200 less than you might have done, as long as you are prepared to pay a £500 excess if any worker gets injured working on your property and you have insisted on them not wearing the right head gear, and who wouldn't?' added the spokesman.

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Exclusive: First draft of 'that' resignation letter from Boris Johnson

'Decus et Tutankhamun Bonnet de Douche – Huzzah!

I have received a letter from the Privileges Committee making it clear - much to my amazement - that being an MP is not about testing your liver and prostate to breaking point.

They have still not found a shred of evidence that I knowingly or recklessly misled the Commons – nor will they until I next go to the loo.

They know perfectly well that when I spoke in the Commons, I wrote what I deeply felt, handed it to spin doctors, and said what they had reduced to “I was just holding the gate, mate.” They know that I and every other senior official and minister - including the current Prime Minister and then occupant of the same building, Rishi Sunak – were dancing topless on the same table in a back office of Number 10.

I have been an MP since 2001. I take my privileges seriously. I did not lie, and I believe that in their souls, tarred black by the grey-skinned hypocrisy of socialist bureaucracy, the Committee know it. Their purpose from the beginning has been to find me guilty, regardless of the facts. This is the very definition of a Trumped-up court!

Most members of the Committee - especially the chair - had already expressed deeply prejudicial remarks about my guilt before they had even seen the evidence, as evidenced by their definition of the Respondent in this action as ‘the Guilty Golden-Mopped Bastard’. They should have recused themselves, whilst maintaining a 2m distance for the sake of public decency.

In retrospect, it was naïve and trusting of me to think that these proceedings could be remotely useful or fair. But I was determined to believe in the system, and injustice, and to vindicate what I knew to be the truisms of my spin doctors.

It was the same naïve faith in the impartiality of our systems that led me to commission Sue “Threw My Knickers At Sir Keir At The Last Labour Party Conference” Gray. It is clear that my naivety has been well-placed. Of course, it suits the Labour Party, the Liberal Democrats, the SNP and Merlin the Happy Pig to do whatever they can to remove me from Parliament.

Sadly, as we saw in July last year, there are currently some Tory MPs who share that view. I am not alone in thinking that there is a witch hunt under way, my dear friend Donald does too (Trump, not Duck).

My removal is the necessary first step, and I believe there has been a concerted attempt to bring it about. I am afraid I no longer believe that it is any coincidence that Sue Gray - who investigated gatherings in Number 10 - is now the chief Clerk of the Stool designate of the Labour leader.

Nor do I believe that it is any coincidence that her supposedly impartial chief clown, Daniel Stiltz KC, turned out to be a strong Labour supporter who repeatedly tweeted personal attacks on me and the government.

When I left office last year, the government was only a handful of points behind in the polls. Now we are looking at rigging the Dunny-on-the-Wold by-election.

Just a few years after winning the biggest majority in almost half a century, that silent majority is now as big as the one that didn’t want Brexit.

Our party needs urgently to recapture its sense of momentum and its belief in what this country can do. We must fight them on the beaches with blood, sweat and tears. Yes. Never before has so much been required from so few to save the seats of so many.

We need to show how we are smudging over the 18th Century thinking that is Brexit, and we need in the next months to be setting out a pro-letariat, pro-tein, nay, a pro-stitute agenda. We need to cut business and personal taxes - and not just as pre-election gimmicks, but as post-election lifebelts!

We must not be afraid to be a properly Conservative government. It worked for Mussolini, didn’t it?

Why have we so passively abandoned the prospect of a Free Trade Deal with the US? Why have we junked measures to help people into housing or to scrap EU directives or to promote animal welfare? Because we’re Conservatives, that’s why!

We need to deliver on the 2019 manifesto, which was endorsed by 14 million people. We should remember what it said, if anyone has a copy.

I am now being forced out of Parliament by a tiny handful of people. It’s all very well regulating against illegal immigrants – what about The Borrowers!

I believe that a dangerous and unsettling precedent is being set. The Conservative Party has the time to recover its mojo and its ambition and to win the next election. Frightens the shit out of me.

I had looked forward to providing enthusiastic support as a backbench MP, much as an MD would enjoy the excitement of a new post trolley at the start of every day. Harriet Harman's committee has set out to make that objective completely untenable, and as I have reached my Tipping Point, perhaps I should pursue the chance to become a Pointless Celebrity.

In the words of Pope Francis, Honi Suis Que Mal Y Ponce; and there is no bigger ponce than Sir Kier Starmer.

Allez-vous-en! Je ne regrette rien.'

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