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Conservative councillors have expressed their dismay at being forced to reveal which political party they represent in the council elections.


‘Far as I’m concerned it’s a personal matter’, one told us. ‘Some swing to the left, some to the right. What a person gets up to in the privacy of their own home is nobody’s business’.


Conservatism - sometimes described as ‘ the hate which dare not speak its name’ – is legal in the UK but still suffers a great deal of prejudice. Angela, 43, came in for criticism when she called all Conservatives ‘scum’. She stands by the description, though many feel that she under-egged the pudding a bit.


‘It’s the response of the Church which upsets me’, one Conservative told us. ‘Conservatism is – and I quote – “Incompatible with Christianity”. Apparently we have to renounce greed, practice something called humility and help the needy or they might not let us get married in church. Bastards’.


The practice of ‘outing’ politicians – forcing them to declare their beliefs on the voting slip – is an old tradition and one which many Conservatives feel should be abandoned in the modern age. ‘I’m not ashamed of my beliefs’, one told us ‘but I’d rather people didn’t know I’m “one of them”. It’s the eighteenth century, sorry, the nine . . . what? oh . . . it’s the twenty first century, apparently. Why do people need this information? I’ve had to tell my kids, they were devastated. You won’t print my name will you?’





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A leaked copy of the Conservative party’s election manifesto read by Newsbiscuit and translated by our political editor from the three-word sentences it is written in, says that they plan to level up the country by ensuring middle and upper class citizens get access to food banks.


The gist of the manifesto outlines the policy thus: It is entirely wrong that hard-working individuals and their families are prevented access to free food, purely on the basis they are not in receipt of benefits. Britain needs a fairer society, where access to food banks is available to all.


To ensure everyone can get the food they regularly eat, we will introduce legislation that requires food banks to supply quail’s eggs, game and foie gras. This will be paid for by bringing back prescription charges to those who are currently exempt.


Unlike the current policy where most food bank users are expected to collect food parcels themselves, it seems that busy senior executives who can’t be expected to waste their time queuing, will be allowed to send servants and slaves to collect their food hampers.




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MPs from an anonymous political party have said they are fed up with people banging on about the last 13 years. 



"It's time to move on", said Rishi S., who prefers to remain anonymous. "It's not the time, and never will be, to look at what's happened in the past or to think about what it used to like. For god's sake, don't do that."



When asked if would be standing on his record at the next election, Mr S. replied; "First of all, I am standing already. Secondly, yes I will be representing a political party or parties unknown, and I certainly won't be standing on a record, but I will be on a box."


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