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Conservative councillors forced to ‘come out of the closet’ at council elections

Conservative councillors have expressed their dismay at being forced to reveal which political party they represent in the council elections.

‘Far as I’m concerned it’s a personal matter’, one told us. ‘Some swing to the left, some to the right. What a person gets up to in the privacy of their own home is nobody’s business’.

Conservatism - sometimes described as ‘ the hate which dare not speak its name’ – is legal in the UK but still suffers a great deal of prejudice. Angela, 43, came in for criticism when she called all Conservatives ‘scum’. She stands by the description, though many feel that she under-egged the pudding a bit.

‘It’s the response of the Church which upsets me’, one Conservative told us. ‘Conservatism is – and I quote – “Incompatible with Christianity”. Apparently we have to renounce greed, practice something called humility and help the needy or they might not let us get married in church. Bastards’.

The practice of ‘outing’ politicians – forcing them to declare their beliefs on the voting slip – is an old tradition and one which many Conservatives feel should be abandoned in the modern age. ‘I’m not ashamed of my beliefs’, one told us ‘but I’d rather people didn’t know I’m “one of them”. It’s the eighteenth century, sorry, the nine . . . what? oh . . . it’s the twenty first century, apparently. Why do people need this information? I’ve had to tell my kids, they were devastated. You won’t print my name will you?’

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