Conservatives identify the last safe seat

Conservative MPs concerned about losing their job at the next general election have been scouring the country to secure a safe seat. 'It looks like there's only one really safe seat,' said a senior Conservative MP looking at the impending P45 moment, 'and it's in Middle-what-a-Wallop, where there are only twenty voters, and all reside in the House of Lords as Tory Peers,' he said today.

The Conservative Party is negotiating with the Electoral Commision to allow up to 258 candidates to register as prospective parliamentary candidates in Middle-what-a-Wallop, with the successful votes being allocated to all of the candidates at the same time. 'That way Raab, Johnson, Braverman, Gove and Hancock et al can all keep their jobs. Well, not Hancock, obvs, but et Al is welcome,' he added.

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Sharp blames BBC for dropping the Money Programme

Richard Sharp, Chairman of the BBC, has admitted that he had dinner with Boris Johnson and Sam Blythe, who went on to underwrite a £800,000 loan to Mr Johnson. A BBC spokesman says it is unfair that the press are accusing him of facilitating a deal for the then Prime Minister, when all he did was have some dinner and introduced a very rich man to a man who needed some cash, pronto. 'The fact that Mr Sharp was then appointed as BBC chair shortly after, at the recomendation of Mr Johnson, is purely co-incidental,' the spokesman added.

He added that if the BBC hadn't dropped the Money Programme in 2010 then he wouldn't have needed to meet up with rich people to secure a loan. The spokesman said that while there are some websites that provide independent advice, and Martin Lewis seems to know a thing or two, Mr Johnson wouldn't have needed the help from the man who subsequently became Chair of the BBC.

The BBC maintain the relationship between Mr Sharp, Mr Johnson and Mr Blyth around the time of Mr Sharp's appointment is 'not causal', despite the rumour that Valerie Singleton was being lined up for the job until the then Prime Minister learned her programme had finished.

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Conservative Party to be bought by National Trust

'Most people don’t realise that the Conservative Party is still, technically, a live political party' said a spokesman for the National Trust. ‘We can’t take them over and install a gift shop and tea room until 2024, but the planning is well underway.'

The Conservative Party’s demise has been viewed with sadness by wealthier older people with 'quaint' views on race and a poor grasp of the lives of ordinary Brits. 'I got my first sexual experiences at Young Conservative dances', said Henry Buffington-Smythe. 'It’s a shame these old traditions have to end. I suppose young people nowadays use the internet. I know I do. It’s fascinating. Filthy, you know. Rimming, Mexican Pancakes, it’s an absolute wonderland.'

The current Conservative leader is Rishi Sunak, a diminutive character with a penchant for minor criminality. He’s unlikely to be the final leader before 2024, however – in the 'end of days' frenzy which has overtaken the Party, most members are expected to take a turn before the curtains finally close.

The National Trust will commemorate this chaotic final era with a life-sized cardboard cut-out of the door at No 10, with a hole so visitors can take a photo as the Prime Minister. This will enable any final Conservative Party members who didn’t manage to make it to PM to get their turn. Liz Truss has put her name down as she wasn’t in post long enough for a photo to be taken.

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