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Boris 2.0 – ‘too much integrity’ to be PM


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In previous reports we may have given the impression that Boris 2.0 was a shoo-in for Prime Minister. We now realise that his integrity and all-round decency wouldn’t allow him to be become Prime Minister at a time when the Privileges Committee might suspend him. He only cut short his third holiday in three months to bundle his family on a cattle-class flight home just to confirm he wasn't standing.


NewsBiscuit has seen the list of Boris’s 102 supporters and we can confirm that they were genuine and not fabricated. We were particularly pleased to see British icons such as Harry Potter, Great Uncle Bulgaria and Fireman Sam showing their support.


Boris 2.0 will now demonstrate his integrity by going on lots of holidays, attempting to knock off a couple of barmaids at each resort and accepting lots of Russian money.


Boris is the only person who can save Britain from the Conservatives say the Conservatives


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“We’re in a crisis like never before” said a spokesman. “Financial meltdown, an international laughing stock, desperation on the home front. At times like these only a Conservative government can ride in and rescue the nation. And that means Boris!”


The plan is for a Conservative Government to take over from the Conservative Government. Boris Johnson will ride in and rescue Britain from the mess left behind by, erm, Boris Johnson, and all will be well again.


“A vote for Keir Starmer is essentially a vote for Jeremy Corbyn, which is a vote for Stalin”, the spokesman explained. “The Labour Party caused the current situation by failing to provide adequate opposition. Just imagine how much harm they could cause if they were actually in power!”


Some Conservative MPs have been referring to ‘Boris 2.0’, indicating that the new Boris is very different to the old one. “He now owns a comb for one thing”, said an insider. “And an alarm clock. This is a fundamental reboot. Boris 2.0 can be relied upon to attend a decent percentage of Cobra meetings, to schedule some of his holidays for the recess and to only lie to the House on Thursdays”.


Gladys Higgins (73) from Norwich is a registered moron and keen Boris fan. “He’s funny, and that’s what we need in a politician”, she shouted into our microphone. “They all moaned about his hair, well he’s bought himself a comb so what will they moan about now? The country’s gone to the dogs thanks to what Labour did twelve years ago. Should be ashamed of themselves”.


A spokesman for Keir Starmer apologised for whatever Labour did twelve years ago but reaffirmed his party’s mild opposition to whichever Fascist regime was around the corner.


Last remaining biscuit handed to Cookie Monster for safe keeping


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The only sustenance left to see your family through is a lovely biscuit. Despite a track record of being unable to stop himself gobbling up everyone else's biscuits and a suspicious level of crumbs down his front, Cookie Monster has been brought back to guard it and assures you that your biscuit will be very well taken care of this time.


The priceless urn your dear grandmother's ashes are kept in will be protected by Mr. Bump. Sylvester the Cat is in charge of making sure your pet budgie is safe. And Jimmy Savile will return to look after your kids.



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