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Conservatives identify the last safe seat



Conservative MPs concerned about losing their job at the next general election have been scouring the country to secure a safe seat. 'It looks like there's only one really safe seat,' said a senior Conservative MP looking at the impending P45 moment, 'and it's in Middle-what-a-Wallop, where there are only twenty voters, and all reside in the House of Lords as Tory Peers,' he said today.


The Conservative Party is negotiating with the Electoral Commision to allow up to 258 candidates to register as prospective parliamentary candidates in Middle-what-a-Wallop, with the successful votes being allocated to all of the candidates at the same time. 'That way Raab, Johnson, Braverman, Gove and Hancock et al can all keep their jobs. Well, not Hancock, obvs, but et Al is welcome,' he added.



image from pixabay

Staunch Tory demands more suffering be caused to others



However hard the government bends over backwards to appease its core vote, a dyed in the wool true blue forever Conservative voter continues to be dissatisfied with the amount of pain being caused to those around him.


Gyles Tebbit from Surrey barked, 'This is just not good enough. I expect more. I expect more pain. I expect more suffering. I expect more wails of agony from those around me. This isn't what I didn't vote for.


'What this government needs to do is to get up off its lazy arse and get someone else to start sticking the knife in properly. I didn't not fight in World War II for this. Our Maggie had the country in absolute meltdown and all of us pummelled into submission in half the time. None of this u-turn nonsense you see today.


'I want every last foreigner kicked out. I want everyone coming over here taking our jobs and our women deported to Rwanda. And then I want every last one of our women back in their kitchens making babies. I want the kids of today rid of once and for all. I want everyone on strike sacked. I want everyone in work sacked. I want the unions crushed. I want the NHS dismantled. I want all those meddling greenies locked up. I want the poor taxed out of existence. I want the welfare state pulverised. I want the economy destroyed. I want full on hard red, white and blue Brexit done properly from the start. And bring back mandatory hanging for everyone.'


Now clear off. I'm a very busy and important man who needs to get into my German SUV, race to my local Italian, knock back a few French reds, call my Greek tax accountant from my Dutch mobile, and then fly to my second home in Spain.'



PM will put 'Having the same problems' into manifesto



A strange fellow (not featured) without a mandate but who still insists he is definitely Prime Minister has pledged to keep having the same problems, not only for 2023, but put it into the Conservative manifesto for the next election.


'I can promise today that we will carry on the same series of disastrous policies and decisions for the rest of this parliament which will continue until at least 2025. Not only that, if elected we will introduce a Department of Ineptness (the DoE), that will examine all government polices to make sure that we maintain a level of incompetence around 4 or 5 Graylings out of 10. Any higher than that means that we've tried to physically replace planes with trains and we're really in trouble.'

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