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Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet



Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.


'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

Conservatives to use ‘sexy cosplay’ to woo voters



Following the success of Penny Mordaunt’s Star Wars-inspired outfit at the Coronation, CCHQ has ordered all Tory MPs to be measured up for “sexy cosplay” outfits.


A paper in the British Medical Journal reported that Mordaunt’s attire was equivalent to two standard doses of Viagra in men over 60 who voted for Brexit.


‘Let’s face it, the old standbys of the economy and law & order won’t cut it’, a spokesman told us. ‘By any rational standards we should be dead. Yet people saw Penny carrying a sword and actually said that made her Prime Ministerial material. To be fair, it’s more work than Boris managed in three years, but really? Is that all the plebs need?’


But who are these sexy MPs?


‘Jacob Rees-Mogg actually has sensational legs. They’ll need waxing, but he’d look amazing as a French maid. Or possibly C3PO’.


The real vote winner is tipped to be Priti Patel. ‘Okay, she’s a bitch’, the spokesman said, ‘but she could be a right sexy bitch. It’s that smirk. You could just see smirking like that her after she’s killed a man – or possibly eaten a baby’.


And what about Rishi Sunak? Could he be made sexy?


‘That’s a toughie’, conceded the spokesman. ‘I suppose we could start by ordering full length trousers for him. Do you think he wears his wife’s by mistake?’




Conservatives identify the last safe seat



Conservative MPs concerned about losing their job at the next general election have been scouring the country to secure a safe seat. 'It looks like there's only one really safe seat,' said a senior Conservative MP looking at the impending P45 moment, 'and it's in Middle-what-a-Wallop, where there are only twenty voters, and all reside in the House of Lords as Tory Peers,' he said today.


The Conservative Party is negotiating with the Electoral Commision to allow up to 258 candidates to register as prospective parliamentary candidates in Middle-what-a-Wallop, with the successful votes being allocated to all of the candidates at the same time. 'That way Raab, Johnson, Braverman, Gove and Hancock et al can all keep their jobs. Well, not Hancock, obvs, but et Al is welcome,' he added.



image from pixabay

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