Politics a load of old goat's c*ck, confess Conservative politicians

Running the country is utter pants. So say the last five prime ministers.

'I thought it was going to be constant corruption, endless hobnobbing at exclusive balls, and a festival of sick sexual perversions,' said a recent former prime minister everyone has already forgotten the name of. No, not that one, the other one. 'But it was only about 93% that, and then there was other boring stuff which kept cropping up. National emergencies aren't really my bag,' added another talentless moron who also shirked their leadership responsibilities.'

'Frankly, this governmenting lark gets tedious after a few days. And pesky investigative journalists keep pointing out that you're not supposed to keep all the trappings of high office for yourself. Where's the chortle with chums in that?'

'Look, the bit where you get to dick about with the laws, that's a snigger and everything. But then some total square comes along in his silly judge wig and says that you're not allowed to break all of the laws you just made up. When did that become a thing?'

'I tell you, that Sir Keir Starmer Labour chappy is a crafty one. He sort of makes out like he wants to be PM, but he is so clever at ensuring there's no chance he'll get anywhere near the job. We're naffing stuck with it forever now, and no one in the Conservative Party wants to do it properly. Shall we just shut down the whole show and all move to Greece?'

‘Desperate’ Limbo Contest sees Sunak and Truss Sinking to the Inevitable

Having sullied the seemingly unending summer with increasingly frantic promises to lower taxes, inflation, immigration, hopes, integrity and class, the Conservative leadership contenders have only one thing left to lower: their focus-grouped, aide-fluffed physical selves.

Giving the final two weeks of the contest a carnival air, ‘Leadership Limbo’ sees the rivals battling it out to wriggle under a hastily appropriated broom handle on Great Yarmouth beach, desultorily lowered by two slightly menacing ‘Kiddyland’ employees.

Setting a trademark low bar, Truss’s smirk of triumph at her awkward squirm was slightly compromised by the urgent need to spit out three nitrous oxide canisters and what aides quickly dismissed as ‘probably not a used condom’.

Sunak’s commitment to sinking even lower saw him forced to tearfully drag his coiffure through an impressive pile of beach donkey manure. This lost the former Mr Byrite Southampton 1996-8 all-important poise points, but garnered grudging applause from the excited crowd of confused pensioners and waterlogged migrants.

With all to play for, upcoming rounds can be seen on Sky channel Loss of Dignity 374 every night, alongside political let’s-party summer roadshow programming including Brexit Bonanza Bingo, Hook a Duckhouse, Shooting Rogues Gallery, Ghost Train A Few More Nurses, and Coconut Shy About The Actual Numbers.

Image: Pixabay/Taniadimas

Brits already experiencing Truss fatigue

Although Liz Truss has not yet stepped into the soggy loafers of Boris Johnson at the helm of a sinking Britain, its people are already sick and tired of her.

Marjorie Dale from Bournemouth summed up the national mood with the words, 'Oh, for God's sake, will someone shut that gibbering moron up. She has less charisma than a melted jelly, all the appeal of an anus full of weevils, and more whine than Oddbins.'

Brenda from Bristol did not need to say a word.

Image: Pixabay/Sammy-Sander