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Poorest 50% of planet 'likely to achieve COP26 targets'

Updated: Nov 22, 2021



A report that the top 1% of earners are likely to exceed the COP26 climate targets has been countered by the observation that the 50% of the poorest people on the planet are 'very unlikely' to exceed emission limits is seen as progress.


'Clearly wealth is a barrier to achieving our goal of stopping climate change,' said a government spokesperson today, 'so if the government continues to ensure the majority of the UK has a declining income then we are likely to achieve the net zero targets earlier.


' Of course there will be the pesky 1% who are likely to increase their wealth through government contracts, but we can carbon offset them', continued the spokesperson. Or as the Prime Minister likes to refer to the pesky 1%..... us.''





BlahBlahBlah26 angry at Greta Thunberg for claiming that COP26 attendees just go 'blah blah blah'

Updated: Nov 22, 2021




BlahBlahBlah26 organisers have taken Greta Thunberg to task for diverting attention away from their own gibberish.


David Medium, BlahBlahBlah26’s originator, said at a press conference:


"For 26 years now, we have been meeting in a small hotel in Glasgow with the specific purpose of saying nothing but ‘blah blah blah’ to each other. It is a friendly, safe event where otherwise uninteresting middle managers can meet, eat biscuits and communicate to each other with just one word. At first it feels weird, then funny, then oddly relaxing, which is why we love it.


We don’t have much of a marketing budget and rely largely word of mouth to get our message across. So you can imagine our annoyance when an international celebrity like Greta Thunberg gets up and falsely announces that all the COP26 attendees are just going ‘blah blah blah’. Really Greta? We don’t think so. They are politicians and climate scientists. It is highly likely that they are at least talking about clouds. If you want to just say, 'blah blah blah', then come to the experts. We know how to do it properly."


Mr. Medium had more to say on the matter but he was dramatically interrupted by Bill Darlington of StickThingsUpYourArse26 who brought things to a rapid close with an unrepeatable gesture that we have been advised by our lawyers to never mention.














Australia solves rising sea level crisis by giving everyone a surfboard

Updated: Nov 20, 2021



'It's a bonza solution to global warming,' said Australian Prime Minister and digeridoo salesman, Scott Morrison.


If everyone has a surfboard, they don't have to worry about a deluge of water sweeping away their homes. They can ride out the wave to the nearest available patch of hilly ground. What's not too like? I'll even throw in some of my old Kylie CD's if it helps.


There's no way I'm cutting down on coal until at least 2175, despite what I said after seventeen tinnies in the bar at the climate shindig. Here in Australia, we're looking forward to more heat. It just makes lighting up the barbie down by the billabong a whole lot easier. Besides, if all these do-gooders stop us digging up coal, how will we feed our indigenous people?






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