COP26: A Delegate's Guide

Morning Queues

What should have been a simple process of rocking up to the venue entrance, showing your credentials, and undergoing a brief security search before gaining admittance, has been made much trickier by United Nations officials deciding that when in Britain delegates should participate in that most British of activities, queueing. Attendees will therefore be stuck for hours, continually assessing the relative speed of the adjacent lanes.

Speeches

Lots of these. Lots and lots and lots of these. Mostly ‘very important people’ who have flown thousands of miles in fuel guzzling aircraft to say the same thing. To put it in an eco-friendly, sustainably grown nutshell, “Cut CO2 emissions, reduce carbon footprint, stop deforestation, reduce fossil fuels. Blah, blah blah. “Recordings of these speeches will be on sale anyway as they are just as effective as whale song for relaxation, cures for insomnia, or for Mums-to-be in birthing pools.

The Green Zone

A highly fortified area of central Baghdad, not usually renowned for hosting events, workshops, cultural performances, music and film, all focussing on climate action. Clearly designed to make the Iraqi delegates feel at home with the addition of a nightly fireworks display.

Informal Gatherings

A chance for attendees to make the right noises to other attendees, exchange pleasantries over an artisan croissant and fair-trade organic coffee, and basically expound upon their climate crisis credentials. Definitely one of the key motivations for being there, achieving that overall feeling of smug self-satisfaction.

The Delusional Lounge

A safe space for senior delegates and politicians to group together without social distancing and to become entirely inebriated while convincing themselves they have saved the planet by collectively flying three million air miles and running the hotel heating on full for the entirety of their stay, simply by pledging to do too little, too late and not really meaning it anyway The lounge is expected to be full every night.

Image: crystal710 | Pixabay

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Super-rich unhappy at being told they can no longer burn mountains of bank notes

The government is to ban Britain's superrich from burning mountains of bank notes in their AGAs and glass fires. The popular winter practice will become illegal from December 1st, causing many idle toffs to claim, 'well that's another Christmas ruined.'

A spokesman from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs said, 'Turns out the polymer notes placed in circulation a few years ago, although harder to forge, unfortunately will not burn in an environmentally friendly way. And as we're hosting this COP 69 nonsense, the PM wanted to throw the bleeding hearts a bone until the spotlight's off us.'

However, filthy rich hedge fund advisor, Digby de Courcy, said, 'This is discriminating against the privileged. One of our simple pleasures is rubbing plebs' noses in the dirt. Are we now to be denied that too?

’Because believe me, there’s no better way of doing it than burning unspeakably obscene bundles of hard cash. Sums that in their distorted view, might've been used to help them do boring things like eat, pay energy bills or live. But, tell me, where's the fun in that?'

Meanwhile, Daily Mail reader and brainwashed moron, Obadiah Ramsbottom from Settle, a lifelong Labour supporter who voted Conservative for the first time in the last General Election, and who hasn’t got a pot to piss in said: Well, t'int my place to tell betters how to spend their money. Nay lad, I’m just happy in't knowledge that whatever 'appens, Boris has my back and he'll do me proud.”

Image: sick-street-photography | Pixabay

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Suspicious package at Manchester Airport was not Matt Hancock in Speedos

A suspicious package found at Manchester Airport has not turned out to be Matt Hancock in a tight pair of pink Speedos. Security services released a statement insecurely on Twitter which was quickly spotted and went on to explode across the platform. 'It was very important that the suspicious package was found. If the suspicious package had been uncovered, then that could have led to widespread sickening disgust. A security services spokesman later announced, 'We don't wish to alarm anyone, but BOOOOM! Actually, when we investigated the report of the suspicious package, it wasn't Matt Hancock at all. This was really suspicious because it usually is. So we had to take it seriously and call in the special guy who knows whether to cut the red wire or the blue one. 'But then it turned out it wasn't that kind of package either. It was a lost collection of documents left behind after the Conservative Party conference by one of many attendees who pretended to work on the government plan for COP26 and then jetted back to their second homes in London. We concluded that this was absent-mindedness in more ways than one. 'Astonishingly, it is the most suspicious package we have ever encountered. It was supposed to address environmental protection and the climate crisis, but the contents just went into great detail about how the Conservative Party would continue to be funded by immense levels of donation from fossil fuel giants.

'We were so disheartened by it, we blew it up anyway because we needed the pick-me-up of a controlled explosion.'

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