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Bezos commits to saving world once he owns it all

Updated: Dec 22, 2021



Billionaire Jeff Bezos has announced to the politicians and campaigners at the COP26 climate change summit that he will take over saving the world from them, once the entirety of the planet's real estate is in his possession.


"On my recent flight into space - I flew into space by the way, did you know? yeah it was great - anyway, I looked down on the earth from above" said the Amazon boss "and I thought: so much of that belongs to someone else. My properties are just about visible from space, but they looked so small and fragile. It was clear that I needed to take action. By which I mean, every year I'm going to spend about 0.5% of my wealth stopping climate change .And use the rest of it to buy the land from under your feet. And seabed mineral rights, don't forget them! There's so much ocean! You really notice that from space, you see."

Despite critics saying that Amazon's business model encourages rampant resource-depleting consumerism, Bezos rejected calls for change at his company, noting that "if we don't mine the earth to pieces to make more Kindles and TVs, where's the money going to come from to save it?"






COP26: A Delegate's Guide

Updated: Nov 26, 2021



Morning Queues


What should have been a simple process of rocking up to the venue entrance, showing your credentials, and undergoing a brief security search before gaining admittance, has been made much trickier by United Nations officials deciding that when in Britain delegates should participate in that most British of activities, queueing. Attendees will therefore be stuck for hours, continually assessing the relative speed of the adjacent lanes.


Speeches


Lots of these. Lots and lots and lots of these. Mostly ‘very important people’ who have flown thousands of miles in fuel guzzling aircraft to say the same thing. To put it in an eco-friendly, sustainably grown nutshell, “Cut CO2 emissions, reduce carbon footprint, stop deforestation, reduce fossil fuels. Blah, blah blah. “Recordings of these speeches will be on sale anyway as they are just as effective as whale song for relaxation, cures for insomnia, or for Mums-to-be in birthing pools.


The Green Zone


A highly fortified area of central Baghdad, not usually renowned for hosting events, workshops, cultural performances, music and film, all focussing on climate action. Clearly designed to make the Iraqi delegates feel at home with the addition of a nightly fireworks display.


Informal Gatherings


A chance for attendees to make the right noises to other attendees, exchange pleasantries over an artisan croissant and fair-trade organic coffee, and basically expound upon their climate crisis credentials. Definitely one of the key motivations for being there, achieving that overall feeling of smug self-satisfaction.


The Delusional Lounge


A safe space for senior delegates and politicians to group together without social distancing and to become entirely inebriated while convincing themselves they have saved the planet by collectively flying three million air miles and running the hotel heating on full for the entirety of their stay, simply by pledging to do too little, too late and not really meaning it anyway The lounge is expected to be full every night.





Super-rich unhappy at being told they can no longer burn mountains of bank notes

Updated: Nov 26, 2021



The government is to ban Britain's superrich from burning mountains of bank notes in their AGAs and glass fires. The popular winter practice will become illegal from December 1st, causing many idle toffs to claim, 'well that's another Christmas ruined.'


A spokesman from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs said, 'Turns out the polymer notes placed in circulation a few years ago, although harder to forge, unfortunately will not burn in an environmentally friendly way. And as we're hosting this COP 69 nonsense, the PM wanted to throw the bleeding hearts a bone until the spotlight's off us.'


However, filthy rich hedge fund advisor, Digby de Courcy, said, 'This is discriminating against the privileged. One of our simple pleasures is rubbing plebs' noses in the dirt. Are we now to be denied that too?


’Because believe me, there’s no better way of doing it than burning unspeakably obscene bundles of hard cash. Sums that in their distorted view, might've been used to help them do boring things like eat, pay energy bills or live. But, tell me, where's the fun in that?'


Meanwhile, Daily Mail reader and brainwashed moron, Obadiah Ramsbottom from Settle, a lifelong Labour supporter who voted Conservative for the first time in the last General Election, and who hasn’t got a pot to piss in said: Well, t'int my place to tell betters how to spend their money. Nay lad, I’m just happy in't knowledge that whatever 'appens, Boris has my back and he'll do me proud.”






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