Explaining the new ruling, a health spokesperson said: 'I know we said you needed them and technically syphilis is still a thing, but we need to protect your freedom to experience unwanted pregnancy. Besides, men look like an idiot with one on. How is your penis expected to breathe?. And the PM has been leading on this for years'.
First published 30 Jan 2022
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Barry S*ite, a moronic costermonger from Billericay, is still refusing to take government advice to get vaccinated and help combat Covid. The fifty-three year-old argues it’s a breach of his civil liberties and his inherent right to do "whatever he likes and f*ck the rest of them".
'My Dad and his Dad didn’t fight in two World Wars to win our freedom only for subsequent governments to tell me I have to allow myself to be jabbed with some stuff, that not only protects me but also those around me too. What's all that about? Daft or what!
'And anyway, this Covid is a load of old pony. It doesn’t really exist. I know that cos I have a mate who’s a doctor in London and he says it’s all just made-up to sell newspapers and that. Oh, and by the way, according to an anti-vax group I belong to on Facebook, just one tiny dose has more proteins than a dozen eggs and introduces three different types of nanoprobe GPS tracking devices into your bloodstream.
'If some bloody oldies fall off the twig then tough luck because that’s life, isn’t it? They’ve all had a good innings. Yeah? It means that I can get around the supermarket a lot easier without them clogging up the aisles with their wheelies, loitering beside the cheeses gossiping to one another about Bert having a bag fitted or Gladys dying last week.
'I voted for Boris to get Brexit done and he did, but why is he now treating us like we’re still under the European jackboot? Well I for one shan't capitulate to state pressure. I've never had a day's illness in my life. Fit as a bleedin' fiddle I am, mate.'
First published 18 Nov 2021
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