Daily Mail dilemma as doctors show racism causes cancer

Paul Dacre has admitted that a recent study which links racism, homophobia, sexism and inaccuracy to cancer has made tomorrow's headline a very difficult pitch.

"Normally, it's fairly straightforward; choose the morally worse path and go down it.", explained Mr Dacre, "But the exception is a ridiculous story that links cancer to a random thing, but not this random."

When informed that the study was led by Ms Prisha Patel who is in a same sex relationship, My Dacre responded; "For god's sake."

Image:Parentingupstream | Pixabay

Russia War is a small price to pay if we get to keep Boris

The British public has agreed to make the ultimate sacrifice, by reenacting the Charge of the Light Brigade, but this time with masks and appropriate social distancing. Saving the PM from his own PR, every man, woman and child will valiantly lay down their lives, so Boris can lie about his lays.

By deflecting attention from the parties and infidelities, we will march on Moscow or all die in a futile gesture - whatever plays better in The Daily Mail. Commenting on this dead cat/bear, one General remarked: 'Into the valley of Death, rode the six hundred. Obviously six hundred is a lot but technically this is a work event'.

Men Honor Guard Soldiers - Free photo on Pixabay

Wordle to replace CBeebies, CBBC

Secretary of State for Eating Ostrich Anus, Nadine Dorries, is fully defunding the pinko, commie, Britain-hating BBC, to ingratiate herself with the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch. Co-conspirator in hate Julia Hartley-Brewer added the BBC shouldn't produce content that she herself doesn’t directly consume – she finds CBeebies too advanced. Dorries is therefore replacing all CBeebies and CBBC programmes with Wordle, the free, once-a-day, 5-letter game. Once the game is completed the channels will play the national anthem on a loop. In solidarity, Dorries’ next novel will contain no words longer than 5 letters.

Parent Karolina Krychowiak noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident. Mr Tumble is always watching. Words that describe the Tories mostly have 4 letters, but I suppose the plurals have 5.’