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Draper's demise - just who does he think he is?

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After his disappointing exit from Wimbledon, sports journalists across the country are feverishly checking Jack Draper's genealogical records in an attempt to find any of his antecedents who weren't English.


Max Slyme from the Daily Mail said: 'We perked up when we found Jack had a great great great uncle Hamish on his father's side. We'd already come up with our headline - Dour Scot crashes out in third round - only to find out this Hamish was born in Thames Ditton.


'But you have to admit, it looks suspicious and has given us hope. We'll keep digging even if we have to go back to the Stone Age. There's got to have been someone born north of Hadrian's Wall in Draper's family tree. There must be.'




Fears entire Conservative front bench suffering from lockjaw


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Following the latest Prime Minister’s La-La-Can’t-Hear-You Time, fears have been expressed that the entire rictus-faced Conservative front bench are suffering from the archaic condition.


‘Tetanus symptoms include a grimly rigid expression and inability to articulate more than a weakly confirmatory “yaaargh”, even at the most rousingly rehearsed rejoinder from their embattled leader,’ confirmed a harassed GP. ‘After weeks of remaining unremittingly stony-faced in the laughable face of increasingly ridiculous party behaviour, its re-emergence across the blue benches felt inevitable. The slightest bit of dished dirt, mud on your face, or grubbing about in the mire can easily result in contracting twat-anus, to give this localised variant its correct name.


‘In extreme cases, as I believe we’re witnessing here, the conditions spreads upwards to a glassy-eyed stare, in which the more poetically inclined of us fancy we can read a desperate plea for the sweet release of death, or walk-towards-the-light visions of smoke-blowingly hagiographic Daily Mail “interviews”.’


Happier to publish their medical records than tax returns or fixed penalty notices, Tory Ministers have attempted to deny their expressions are current frozen more solidly wooden than the lacquered Cabinet table itself, with one clarifying: ‘Ert’s jssst a tmp- tmp- shrrt chnge ’n th winnnnd, yaaargh?’


First published 29 May 2023



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