Following the latest Prime Minister’s La-La-Can’t-Hear-You Time, fears have been expressed that the entire rictus-faced Conservative front bench are suffering from the archaic condition.
‘Tetanus symptoms include a grimly rigid expression and inability to articulate more than a weakly confirmatory “yaaargh”, even at the most rousingly rehearsed rejoinder from their embattled leader,’ confirmed a harassed GP. ‘After weeks of remaining unremittingly stony-faced in the laughable face of increasingly ridiculous party behaviour, its re-emergence across the blue benches felt inevitable. The slightest bit of dished dirt, mud on your face, or grubbing about in the mire can easily result in contracting twat-anus, to give this localised variant its correct name.
‘In extreme cases, as I believe we’re witnessing here, the conditions spreads upwards to a glassy-eyed stare, in which the more poetically inclined of us fancy we can read a desperate plea for the sweet release of death, or walk-towards-the-light visions of smoke-blowingly hagiographic Daily Mail “interviews”.’
Happier to publish their medical records than tax returns or fixed penalty notices, Tory Ministers have attempted to deny their expressions are current frozen more solidly wooden than the lacquered Cabinet table itself, with one clarifying: ‘Ert’s jssst a tmp- tmp- shrrt chnge ’n th winnnnd, yaaargh?’
First published 29 May 2023
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Sad Sir Keir Starmer been calling the Daily Mail asking the big questions. An excerpt was leaked by an indifferent hate peddler there.
'Hello. It’s me... Keir Starmer… Starmer… S-T-A-R-M-E-R. Yes, that’s right the Prime Minister! What do you mean, "for now"? Look, I’m throwing myself at your feet and begging you… why won’t you love me? All I want is for you to love me. I’m already refusing to scrap the 2 child limit on the child benefit which would lift thousands of children out of poverty. What if I make it a 1 child cap. Or a no child cap? That would make more children poor! What if I personally drowned some small boat refugees? Would you love me then? You'll think about it? Oh that's wonderful!'
'No, I don’t know where Nigel is.'