Daily Mail | NewsBiscuit

Pearl clutchers 'secretly relieved' by the return of Meghan Markle

Aug 22

The return of Harry and Meghan to the UK is not news, but that hasn't stopped it being treated like news. But it is not news.

Pearl clutching Daily Mail readers across the UK – especially in the Home Counties – have been furious about this non-news. However, many are also secretly relieved, with some even quietly fist pumping and Nazi saluting in celebration.

'It's just not the same when she's in America,' trilled one openly racist woman. 'When Meghan is here in the UK, I can hate her with the heat of a thousand suns, based purely on the colour of her skin. What fun! I'm not a racist – well, not a common racist, like that ghastly Nigel Farage. The newspapers are on my side.'

'I did buy some Harry and Meghan crockery, but only so I could smash it like a Greek wedding. Hooray! I mean... Booo!'

Image credit: deep dream generator. Two for one offer on Meghan Markle, apparently.

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Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds

Throngsman

Aug 6

The Daily Mail has now published no fewer than seven articles decrying the inhuman assault on British drivers of a certain age.

'You will be forced to retake your driving test every three years and, due to the shortage of examiners, you will be advised to provisionally book each test at least four years ahead,' ran one social media explanation of the Daily Mail's articles.

'You will need to pass a medical previously limited to active HGV drivers, be able to demonstrate an ability to reverse an articulated trailer around a corner and know how to shout obscenities in French,' said another post, which was considered to be slightly incorrect. 'French or German, surely?' asked one knowledgeable reply.

'If you fail more than once in a two month period your vehicle will be impounded and handed over to an immigrant, who doesn't need a licence, insurance or a flat cap to drive on British roads,' argued another. The flat cap rule has been doubted online by people under thirty.

A study looking into the actual articles identified that all of the above claims were reasonable extrapolations of the headlines and first two sentences of the articles, but confirmed that the actual change required when applying to renew the driving licence at age seventy and every three after is evidence that the driver has had an optician evaluate their corrected eyesight.

'How are pensioners expected to pay for the free eyesight tests?' screamed a Daily Mail article. 'And how can they pass the test when they clearly can't read past the first paragraph? We demand a General Election now!' it said - in paragraph three, so unseen by by most readers.

https://pixabay.com/photos/vintage-car-vintage-automobile-7305109/

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Daily Mail due a reboot

Throngsman

Jul 17

Our technicians have noticed a problem with the algorithm over the last few days,' said a Daily Mail spokesman, 'with not only a lack of fawning articles about Nigel Farage but actual scrutiny showing he is a comptempible excuse for a person,' he added.

'We'll be turning it off and on again,' he said, crossing his fingers that they hadn't laid off or deported the person who knew how to restart the bile engine.

'If all else fails we'll just republish headlines from the past. Actually, that's what we normally do,' he said, holding up a headline supporting Mosley but with Farage's name scribbled over.

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/memyselfaneye-331664/

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