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Starmer to Daily Mail: 'Why won’t you love me?'

Sad Sir Keir Starmer been calling the Daily Mail asking the big questions. An excerpt was leaked by an indifferent hate peddler there.


'Hello. It’s me... Keir Starmer… Starmer… S-T-A-R-M-E-R. Yes, that’s right the Prime Minister! What do you mean, "for now"? Look, I’m throwing myself at your feet and begging you… why won’t you love me? All I want is for you to love me. I’m already refusing to scrap the 2 child limit on the child benefit which would lift thousands of children out of poverty. What if I make it a 1 child cap. Or a no child cap? That would make more children poor! What if I personally drowned some small boat refugees? Would you love me then? You'll think about it? Oh that's wonderful!'


'No, I don’t know where Nigel is.'




Survivors of Downing Street Parties found alive and well


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Police and Ambulance services were called to Downing Street yesterday when two former Boris Johnson aids were found hiding in a cellar at No 10. Walking blinking into the light, having been in hiding since 2020, they had no idea that their leader had been deposed or that the Conservatives party had been decimated at a general election.


For now their identities are being kept secret until their families have been informed but one is believed to be the son of a prominent Essex Tory MP whose hobby is reliving the D day landings every forth Sunday of the month and the other a former Eton wet bob who was on a £50,000 a year work experience placement when the parties took place.


Questioned by Police, they explained that the Party invite specially said; do not get caught under any circumstances, capture or surrender is not an option, secrecy is paramount. Based on this, having taken refuge in the cellar after what they believed to be a police raid they would only sneak out at night and walked barefoot at all times. Unbeknown to them of course this was unnecessary as all the Police on duty at Downing Street at that time were all hearing impaired. With since admitted loud parties with Booze, music, singing and even an alleged fight, frequent occurrence under Boris Johnson, the Police on guard in another wise quiet empty street heard nothing.


The two, being hailed as heroes by the Daily Mail, described how they existed on scraps from the nearby kitchen and the massive amount of booze hidden in suitcases they had stashed in the cellars prior to the parties. Initially they also had a supply of Birthday cake but they estimate this ran out after a couple of months. A Police spokes person said that in view of the trauma they had already been though further action was unlikely.


Neither Conservative party central office nor Boris Johnson has yet to comment.




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