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Recently discovered giant Pliosaur not eligible for UK residency, rules Sunak



The skull of a colossal sea monster that was unearthed from the Jurassic Coast that was due to go on display today has been ruled as ineligible to remain resident in the UK. Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, ruled that whilst it may not have come here on a small boat, it still entered the UK illegally via the coast without going through the proper channels.


"Whilst the Pliosaur may pose no immediate threats to resources in the UK", Mr Sunak told us, "it is quite obvious that it gained entry to the cliff face illegally and concealed itself 150 million years ago using British soil and shale resources. We must remain solid and vigilant to abuses of the system. There is every chance that the ancient sea monster came through French waters before settling here in the UK. This is unacceptable."


Mr Sunak also mentioned that there were plenty of indigenous, British fossils that require attention, study and housing at British museums. He did not accept that the facility to apply for asylum in the UK would not be built for another 150 millions years after it's death citing that whilst waiting lists were a worry, they will become manageable in the coming months. 



New dinosaur species found on Isle of Wight



It must be approaching the silly season or newspapers are fed up with printing BoJo stories. In any event yet another ‘unknown’ dinosaur species has allegedly been discovered in the Solent archipelago. A leading dinosaur expert was approached for comment:-


'To be honest I am getting a bit pissed off with what appears to be a non-stop stream of new discoveries in what to be honest is a piddly little island that people only visit when accidently getting on the wrong boat at Portsmouth.


'I’ve had my suspicions for some time as to whether these are in fact genuine. I wouldn’t be surprised if the natives are trying to duplicate the Piltdown Hoax in a desperate attempt to lure tourists. And I don’t rule out the involvement of the Isle of Wight’s answer to Banksy – Wrenfoey.


'You have to ask yourself the question why would dinosaurs have ever wanted to come to the Isle of Wight in the first place. Even today asylum seekers steer well clear.'

Oil prices rise after we run out of dinosaurs



Opec+ have cut oil production, following the discovery that the Brontosaurus has stopped breeding. A spokesperson responded: 'We thought we had an unlimited supply of oil but that was based on the assumption that dinosaurs would last forever.'


New research suggests that dinosaurs may have died out as long ago as 2003. 'No one told us. I mean, would you notice if the Tyrannosaurus Rex disappeared from your garden? You just assume they're hiding with the hedgehogs.'


Opec+ rejected the accusation that they are trying to manipulate prices. 'Seriously, we think all the dinosaurs are gone. When was the last time you saw a Pterodactyl pecking through the top of your milk bottle, to get at the cream?'





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