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'Rivals' hailed for its 'realistic, down to earth' relationship advice


Disney's bonkbuster adaptation of Jilly Cooper's Rivals has been praised by Relate, The Women's Institute and the West Midlands Sexual Health Service for its lifelike portrayal of relationships.


'I hadn't realised that if a man is smoking a cigar while demonic choir music swells around him he's probably a wrong 'un', one counsellor told us. 'Wish I'd known that before my first marriage'.


'So you're not supposed to shag your best mate's daughter?' asked one bemused viewer. 'News to me'.


The show is set in the 1980s, roughly 5 minutes before the AIDS epidemic, which might explain why every permutation of male/female coupling has been enthusiastically pursued. 


'They don't write books like that any more', a spokeswomen for the WI said. 'Well', she whispered, 'not the ones you can get at the library anyway. Pure filth.'



China's "Clonehenge" forces ancient UK monument to close


"We just have to accept the forces of global competition," said a spokes-druid for English Heritage. "The UK has lost its lead to a country which can build ancient monuments better, faster and cheaper.


China's first "Clonehenge" - an exact replica of the complete Stones as they stood in 2,500 BCE, made from 3D printed authentic Stone Age-look cement, will go on display in Dubai over Christmas.


Others will be unveiled in the new year at Disney sites in California, Florida and Paris - available either in classic cerise or day-glow orange.


"We've seen bookings to visit the actual Stones plummet," lamented the English Heritage spokes-henge, "as people opt for imitation paleolithic pagan temples which are close to major airports and shopping malls.


"I can't blame them. Our own mysterious stone circle offering is way out in the wilds of Wiltshire and looks downright dilapidated.


"That's why we're accepting the inevitable, and liquidating Stonehenge. We'll be grinding down the pillars and lintels and selling them to China so it can make even more replica sacred circles for the modern age.


"Soon every country will have its own amazing megalithic tourist attraction," said an AI-bot for state-backed manufacturers Happy Joy Clonehenge Imitations.


"You won't have to walk through cowpats to reach our monuments, and you won't have to waste your time wondering who built them, or how, or why.


"They were knocked out in a factory in Fuchao within the space of a week to make us monumental loads of money."


image from pixabay

Disney greenlights new film - Lady and the Trump


Disney announced today it had given the go-ahead to a new film, Lady and the Trump.


The film tells the story of a nice, well brought up young lady from Slovenia, in what was then Yugoslavia, who moves to New York and falls in with some rougher types.


Chief among these is a scruffy, streetwise urchin known as “the Trump”, who gets by on nothing but his own wits and the billions his dad left him.


Soon, she needs a Green Card… sorry, I mean they fall in love, and she accepts his proposal of marriage. This leads to some excruciating photo ops in which she seems to have nothing but indifference and contempt for him.


A famous scene shows them both eating the same strand of spaghetti, only for her to find he’s no longer at the other end because he’s off banging a porn star.


Still, at least his money makes it easier to silence journalists who would otherwise write about how the model agency she once worked for was known for “lending” its models to rich clients for the weekend.

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