Chessington World of Adventures closes Boris Johnson Teacup Ride

A story stating nothing more than 'Alton Towers closes World of David Walliams' has exposed a handy tool.

Lawyers ensuring news in the public interest cannot be reported 'for legal reasons' have been beaten off at a Pulitzer Prize winning level of saying it without saying it.

Following on from this news, further suppressed stories have been revealed. An unnamed source at a uniquely funded institution confirmed, 'Thorpe Park has shut down the Michael Gove House of Horrors, and Blackpool Pleasure Beach will get a complete Russell re-Brand.

'There's little need for further news surrounding Windsor Safari Park, as it's a royal knockout.

'In stories illegally buried in America, however, another dangerous ride on Epstein Island was broken, and Disney closes Donald Fantasy Castle.'

'Rivals' hailed for its 'realistic, down to earth' relationship advice

Disney's bonkbuster adaptation of Jilly Cooper's Rivals has been praised by Relate, The Women's Institute and the West Midlands Sexual Health Service for its lifelike portrayal of relationships.

'I hadn't realised that if a man is smoking a cigar while demonic choir music swells around him he's probably a wrong 'un', one counsellor told us. 'Wish I'd known that before my first marriage'.

'So you're not supposed to shag your best mate's daughter?' asked one bemused viewer. 'News to me'.

The show is set in the 1980s, roughly 5 minutes before the AIDS epidemic, which might explain why every permutation of male/female coupling has been enthusiastically pursued. 

'They don't write books like that any more', a spokeswomen for the WI said. 'Well', she whispered, 'not the ones you can get at the library anyway. Pure filth.'

Image: DoniShala - Pixabay

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China's "Clonehenge" forces ancient UK monument to close

"We just have to accept the forces of global competition," said a spokes-druid for English Heritage. "The UK has lost its lead to a country which can build ancient monuments better, faster and cheaper.

China's first "Clonehenge" - an exact replica of the complete Stones as they stood in 2,500 BCE, made from 3D printed authentic Stone Age-look cement, will go on display in Dubai over Christmas.

Others will be unveiled in the new year at Disney sites in California, Florida and Paris - available either in classic cerise or day-glow orange.

"We've seen bookings to visit the actual Stones plummet," lamented the English Heritage spokes-henge, "as people opt for imitation paleolithic pagan temples which are close to major airports and shopping malls.

"I can't blame them. Our own mysterious stone circle offering is way out in the wilds of Wiltshire and looks downright dilapidated.

"That's why we're accepting the inevitable, and liquidating Stonehenge. We'll be grinding down the pillars and lintels and selling them to China so it can make even more replica sacred circles for the modern age.

"Soon every country will have its own amazing megalithic tourist attraction," said an AI-bot for state-backed manufacturers Happy Joy Clonehenge Imitations.

"You won't have to walk through cowpats to reach our monuments, and you won't have to waste your time wondering who built them, or how, or why.

"They were knocked out in a factory in Fuchao within the space of a week to make us monumental loads of money."

image from pixabay