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Trump claims to have ended five winters


President Trump has claimed that he has "ended 5 winters in just 5 years" in a social media post with the title "the president of summer".


His latest addition to his list of winters "ended" is the months-long chill between 2025 and 2026.


The other four were between 2017 and 2021, in his first term as president.


A number of these winters were unusually mild, due to global warming which Trump denies - and one of them had little in the way of cold to end.


It is also unclear whether some of the recent mild temperatures will last.


He has publicly stated that he should be awarded the Nobel Prize for Nice Weather. However, his chances may have been badly impacted by the recent chilling atmosphere over Greenland.



ICE hoping to kill a paediatric oncologist next


Following the gunning-down of Alex Pretti, an ICU nurse, in Minneapolis ICE has expressed ‘deep regret’ that he was ‘only’ a nurse.


‘Obviously we want to kill really nice people’, a spokesman said. ‘If we just kill criminals or, I dunno, blacks, it won’t have the same shock value. We really want to see some paediatric oncologists protesting, or maybe a Catholic nun? A nun might do it’.


In the hierarchy of ‘audience members stand-up comedians are most wary of’, paediatric oncologists are number 1 – which also makes them ICE’s #1 target.


‘The Fuhrer, sorry, President can’t invoke the Insurrection Act on a whim’, the ICE spokesman said with a chuckle. ‘Okay, he can – but it would be a lot better if there were some riots first. Hey, do you think we could get some clowns? Like, big shoes, red noses, custard pies? If we gunned them down in the street - that should work, shouldn’t it?’



Trump thwarted in his attempt to end a ninth war


Another day and another mind bogglingly extraordinary claim as Donald Trump tells the world he was snubbed at yesterdays leaders' meeting in Switzerland.


Speaking to reporters he said, 'I travelled all the way from the US to meet this Davros guy. I wanted do a deal with him to end the longstanding war between the Dalek Empire and Earth as my ninth great success. You know, I've ended eight wars already. They said, Mister Trump. No, no. no. It can't be done. But I did it. All eight of them. TRUE.


'And you know what?  The goddamn schmuck didn't even have the nerve to show up. Wow, that Davros is a bad guy. Not a nice guy... not nice at all.'




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