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US Congress to move to 2 day week

The US Congress has voted for shorter working hours.


Representatives feel that Congress is now irrelevant as the President does everything through Executive Orders, or by deploying the armed forces, or just by threatening stuff. Lawmaking is not needed any more and Congressmen and women have decided that they could use the extra time at home. Or play more golf. Or get a more productive job.


'Two days a week is fine,' said Jimmy 'The Rock' Salt (Republican, OK). 'There ain't much to do these days. Trump's doing it all from the Oval Office. Might as well be back home mowing my yard. And avoiding all the donors who got me into Congress. Cos that's embarrassing as hell. They paid all that money and I can't do squat.'


Andy Mann (Democrat, AI) agrees. 'We can't hold Trump to account. He's wrecking everything and there's nothing we can do. Hell, I'd stand as a Republican if I thought it would buy me some influence. We're in a full-on dictatorship now, worshipping the big orange god. I'm going to quit politics and start a boiler house operation to pump and dump BitCoin. It's time for me to sort out my retirement fund!'



Trump: did Democrats buy Epstein victims flowers? I did!


The Trump White House has hit back at Democrats for releasing photos from the Epstein files, saying that President Trump had done more for the victims than the Democrats ever did.


In an off-the-record briefing, an insider who cannot be named noted that "the Democrats have never even met any of these girls - I knew them all", and listed many of the ways they had helped Epstein's victims:


* paid off their college debts, or bought them school uniform


* allowed them to use his own personal shower


* sent them Xmas presents, including free copies of "The Art of the Deal"


and all of this was done purely "out of the goodness of my heart".


"I even introduced some of them to a guy who claimed to be a Britisher Prince" our anonymous source added, "I don't know if he really was, but he was certainly drunk as a lord most of the time."



Christmas Cracker Jokes 2: The Leftovers


Christmas is the season of excess, and not knowing where to stop. Which is where we got the idea for another round of Christmas cracker jokes.


Here are the almost-indigestible leftovers that we have re-heated for you...


Q. What is Donald Trump's favourite element?

A. MAGAnesium


Q. What is moles favourite game at primary school?

A. Grounders


Q. Why did the England cricket team send a snowman in to bat against Australia?

A. They thought he'd last longer than one of the regular team


Q. What do you call a crash involving a truck load of terrapins in Northumberland?

A. Turtle distastah (got to do the accent)


Q. Where do you send an addicted lumberjack?

A. Treehab


Q. Which fish knows nothing about transport?

A. The Grayling


Q. What do you call a shy fish?

A. Koi


Q. Which fish had a Christmas number one?

A. Kylie Minnow


Q. What's crisp and sweet and swings through the jungle?

A. A meringue-utan


Q. What's Hugh Jackman's favourite Christmas film?

A. The Greatest Snowman


Q. What's Birmingham's favourite panto?

A. Jack and the binstrike


Q. What paper are dunce's caps made from?

A. Foolscap


Q. Can you name the five Louvre jewel thieves?

A. Rob, Joules, Nick, Jems and Rich.


Q. What is Santa's favourite weather?

A. Rain, dear.


Q. What's Angela Rayner's favourite Christmas film?

A. Home Aloan 2


With contributions from billclay and writinginbsl



Image credit: perchance.org

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