Are you a member of your local community Facebook group? Want to show all the thousands of members how clever and witty you are? Keen to demonstrate your encyclopaedic knowledge of group rules and communication etiquette in a slightly passive-aggressive way? Here are 8 of the best replies you can give to some randomer’s posts about what time Asda opens on a Saturday:
1. ‘F’ - assume that everyone will have your PhD-level insight into Facebook shorthand and slang, and will therefore know that F means that you are ‘following’ responses to a post. Would it really have been that much more effort to write the word in full? For maximum bellend points, add the 2 eyes emoji.
2. Remind people of what the original poster said - the daily debate is playing out in the group about people not cleaning up after their dogs and leaving dogshit everywhere. It’s your civic duty to constantly point out the nuance of the ‘OP’’s argument, as if you’re the plot summariser at the start of a Line of Duty episode.
3. Posting the popcorn gif. Someone has said something mildly controversial about plans to build some new houses on a local greenfield site. Why don’t you inject a bit of much needed humour into proceedings by posting an animated image of someone sitting down to enjoy some popcorn as if they’re spectating on a prize fight. The only acceptable reason for posting this is if someone has asked ‘has anyone got that tedious popcorn eating gif to hand?’.
4. Inform those leaving the group that this isn’t an airport and they don’t need to announce their departure. Firstly, they probably won’t see your hilarious comment as they’ve left the group. Secondly, it’s painfully unfunny.
5. Helpfully remind people their post can’t be shared. Someone’s cat has gone missing. A picture of Tiddles looking slightly sad but obviously loved has been posted with a request to share widely please. Raise the stress levels of the original poster by constantly commenting that YOU CAN’T SHARE FROM A CLOSED GROUP. Shout this phrase out really loud, alone in your living room, as you throw your phone against the wall, for full effect.
6. Say ‘Thank you Karen’ to anyone expressing an opinion. No matter how mild the view expressed, this Twain-esque retort will be sure to put them in their place. Show genuine surprise when they come back and tell you you’re a small-minded loser with nothing useful to say.
7. Tell someone they have ‘won the internet’. Best reserved for a lame joke or an obviously made up story about a celebrity they spotted in the local cafe, you can massage someone’s ego by giving them this award, which must always be followed by at least 5 emojis of hand clapping and trophies.
8. Remind someone of the existence of Google. Just about every query in a community group could be answered through a Google search, right? Why would anyone want to try and maintain a sense of local community and encourage interaction when a simple search about what time the tip is open to would have sufficed. You won’t be happy until there is absolutely no gratuitous posts in this group!