'My old man didn't fight in WW2 just so I'd be forced into having Covid jabs,' says total moron.

Barry S*ite, a moronic costermonger from Billericay, is still refusing to take government advice to get vaccinated and help combat Covid. The fifty-three year-old argues it’s a breach of his civil liberties and his inherent right to do "whatever he likes and f*ck the rest of them".

'My Dad and his Dad didn’t fight in two World Wars to win our freedom only for subsequent governments to tell me I have to allow myself to be jabbed with some stuff, that not only protects me but also those around me too. What's all that about? Daft or what!

'And anyway, this Covid is a load of old pony. It doesn’t really exist. I know that cos I have a mate who’s a doctor in London and he says it’s all just made-up to sell newspapers and that. Oh, and by the way, according to an anti-vax group I belong to on Facebook, just one tiny dose has more proteins than a dozen eggs and introduces three different types of nanoprobe GPS tracking devices into your bloodstream.

'If some bloody oldies fall off the twig then tough luck because that’s life, isn’t it? They’ve all had a good innings. Yeah? It means that I can get around the supermarket a lot easier without them clogging up the aisles with their wheelies, loitering beside the cheeses gossiping to one another about Bert having a bag fitted or Gladys dying last week.

'I voted for Boris to get Brexit done and he did, but why is he now treating us like we’re still under the European jackboot? Well I for one shan't capitulate to state pressure. I've never had a day's illness in my life. Fit as a bleedin' fiddle I am, mate.'

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First published 18 Nov 2021

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Guardian columnist fired for not writing about himself

The Independent Press Standards Association (Ipso) says it has been inundated with complaints following yesterday’s publication from the 14-year-old.

In the article, Templeton-Dorset began with a long history of beetroot and feta followed by quotes from manufacturers, fans and a spokeswoman from the BFG (Beetroot and Feta Groupies), an organisation recently proscribed by home secretary Yvette Cooper.

'The whole f***ing point of a Guardian comment piece is to make it all about you, no matter how tedious,' wrote Sally Nibbles on Facebook. 'Absolutely outrageous. I did a spellcheck on the article and no ‘I’ came up.

'I was looking forward to reading about someone’s personal struggle with a jam jar that wouldn’t open, or why their pepper mill didn’t work, or why Courchevel is better than St Moritz this year, but…'

A spokesman for The Guardian offered sincere apologies for offence caused. 'We understand it caused a lot of distress. It was a one-off that backfired. We tried re-educate the writer as to the normal and expected Guardian style when it comes to root vegetables and Greek cheese, but he was having none of it.'

Photo by AbsolutVision on Unsplash

BBC to be funded by Twitter Verified status

With the licence fee unlikely to be extended beyond FY 26/27, the BBC is searching for ways to fund itself.  'Obviously advertising isn't going to work,' a corporation spokesman stated, noting the decline in advertising revenue globally that would only be diluted by the BBC entering the party.  It was thought that making the taxpayer fund the broadcaster was the solution - practically the same as a licence fee but just not pretending the licence isn't a tax.  But then it was noted that Sky owner, Rupert Murdoch, appeared to support the idea.  'So that's off the table, then,' said the spokesman.

A subscription model has been discussed, but it is thought to be as successful as running a Premier football team without a shady oligarch funding the 95% shortfall in costs being covered, or not covered, by ticket sales.  'Shame really, as some of our staff are paid like Premier League footballers, especially as some of them used to be Premier League footballers,' he added.

'We did consider the GB News model - spout fascist propaganda 24/7, employ horrible, nasty presenters and market mainly hate, but to be fair Laura Kuenssberg is already filling that role and then you're back to the 95% of costs needed to be covered by a shady oligarch,' he said.

'So, we've decided to invest £8 a month for a verified blue tick - it actually wasn't the BBC who got the verified tick, it was a made up person called @brian0999945733745 who got it - and all our content is going to run on Twitter and Musk will pay, pay, pay,' said the Spokesman.  

'We're not doing it on Facebook, though.  That would be really lowering ourselves.  We've got standards,' he lied.