Just don't f**king bother, Sunak tells nation

In a surprise move, Rishi Sunak has unveiled procrastination and giving up as the centrepiece of his vision for Britain.

Insisting that the climate crisis was still 'on my to do list - right after cancelling my Netflix subscription', he pledged that the UK would take it's share of the burden - as long as it was free of charge and didn't clash with the footy.

Addressing a lethargically-arranged press conference, the PM - definitely not an AM person - yawned, 'We'll do our bit. Or, a bit, anyway. Just after we've had a duvet day. I want to see a Britain where every time there's a major global challenge to be tackled, we roll up our pyjama sleeves and phone in sick. Wild fires and flooding? Climate refugees on the doorstep? Just keep the curtains drawn and they'll go away.'

Asked how slackening home energy efficiency standards made sense in an energy bills crisis, he merely winked and remarked, 'You know, the one thing I can get round to on time is checking my BP dividends. And my house rental income'.

Government to sh*t in everyone’s mouths

In an apparent U-turn to their current environmental policy, Rishi Sunak has announced the Government will sh*t in everyone’s mouths. ‘This is not backtracking on our existing green pledges,’ a string of shitting Ministers told journalists. 'But we think a more gradual approach might suit the economy and be a smart way of making sure we meet targets while taking the economy into account at a challenging time.'

The Government was moved to make the policy change after Uxbridge voters chose unanimously to fatally asphyxiate all the constituency's babies and toddlers with poisonous emissions from ministerial cars. If approved by parliament, the nationwide mouth-shitting would start in Labour constituencies, beginning with the safest Labour seat, Liverpool Walton. Therese Coffey, the Secretary of State for the Environment, will shit in Labour voter Alan Abercrombie’s mouth live on national television at the iconic Liverpool Pier Head, establishing a pattern of alphabetical order shittery.

Labour have yet to comment in full about the plan, with some Labour MP’s calling the shitting ‘a desperate attempt at a vote winning gimmick that will blow up in Tory faces’. However, when pressed the shadow environment secretary Steve Reed said that if the party were elected he would rule out shitting in voters' mouths, although he would not ‘yet’ rule out pissing in their mouths.

Seven deadly bins – Sunak to save the day

Sunak was a Dick. A Private Dick – and also a Public Dick. The film noir rain lashed his office window in moody black and white. He looked at a picture of his wife and thought 'There's a dame whose share portfolio benefits from government policy'.

The red string and drawing pins all led to one place - but where? He looked at his glass of Diet Coke – his seventh of the day – and hurled it at the wall in frustration.

'Pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth. But you need all of those to be a Tory MP' he thought to himself. 'Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey are already in the Cabinet. Seven Samurai? Seven days of the week? Seven weeks of Liz Truss as PM?'

'My god… it can't be. It's the bins! I must save the people before they have to buy insulation.'

Sunak has pledged that if he finds Gwyneth Paltrow's severed head in a box, he won't shoot Kevin Spacey, but instead he will put it in the brown organic bin that goes out on alternate Wednesdays, as long as the moon is in Aquarius. Otherwise he'd have to pay a meat tax. And without the rest of her body, Paltrow might not count as a compulsory car sharing companion.

'Why are my hands so heavy?' he wailed.