top of page
Search

Shock and outrage as Farage reveals secret swan meat addiction shame

Reform UK leader, Nigel Farage, today revealed that his latest tirade about migrants eating swans in Royal Parks were in fact a smokescreen for his own swan meat addiction.


"I can no longer keep it a secret", he told a hushed and visibly shocked group of reporters, "my vilification of immigrants, whilst correct in many ways, should not hide the fact that I have had a swan meat addiction for many years."


Mr Farage went on to to detail that he had started eating swan when offered it at a party by a minor Royal that he would not name. The Royal had told Farage that ingesting the swan would make him feel "more Royal and more British" and that the Queen and Prince Phillip regularly held swan meat parties that the Royal could introduce Farage to.


"I quickly found out that this was merely a ruse to get me addicted to eating swan, or 'chasing the queen's flock' as it's known amongst other addicts", said Mr Farage, "As my appetite grew, so did the demands for more and more money and favours. I wish I never met him at that Pizza Express"



Galloway irritated that he was collaborating with Russia before it was popular

George Galloway, detained by the UK authorities earlier this weekend, has released a statement noting that he was collaborating with the Russian before it was trendy,


“I was going back and forth to Moscow when it was Chernenko in the seat”, opined a visibly irritated Galloway to assembled Journalists, “All the Johnny-come-lately’s like Orban, Trump, Melloni make me a little sick. Where were you when the wall come down? Rocking out to Hasselhoff, no doubt.


He went to savage Nigel Farage, and in general the Reform party, of cosying up to Putin and Moscow now that Nationalism and Authoritarianism are trendy.


“Even one of Farage’s lot has actually got charged with Russian collusion to be the big man in front of his mates”, said Galloway with a tear in his eye, “at least I’ve be an ‘out’ stooge for years, you lot are listening to greatest hits, you’ve no idea of the deep cuts. I had a show on Russia Today for fuck sakes!”


He went on to snarkily advise his new colleagues to be very wary about being near windows in high rises if they know what's good for them.



Nigel’s girlfriend to launch ‘Elite Waitressing’ blog?

Laure Ferrari is an unlikely feminist heroine, given that she’s shacked up with a leatherette man-frog, but her ability to afford a £900k house on waitressing tips has propelled her to elite status in the waitressing community.


Now pundits (i.e. people with an internet connection but no real job) are predicting that she may soon launch a blog for other waitresses who want to buy a big house and kiss a frog.


‘She’s living an almost fairytale life’, somebody told NewsBiscuit. ‘Okay, the amphibian hasn’t turned into a handsome prince, but that house is practically a castle and at least he isn’t around much. Can you imagine having that looming over you, thrusting and grunting and exhaling beer and tobacco fumes? Gross’.


Other imaginary people we didn’t really interview said they’d ‘rather live in a septic tank than have to receive the Honourable Member’s honourable member, but well done Laure for somehow saving enough to buy a house for almost £900k cash’.


The mystery of how she came by so much cash is only eclipsed by the mystery of Nigel Farage managing to seduce an actual human. Much as Laure has given hope to Strasbourg waitresses, Nigel’s story is an inspiration to the incel community – especially the smelly unlovable ones.



bottom of page