New clause added to government fuel payments loan

Tory scientists have informed the chancellor that each human body contains 0.2mg of gold plus numerous other precious trace elements. As a consequence, anyone taking advantage of the fuel loan is now obliged to sign a form that allows the government to melt their body down to extract the bullion it contains in the event they default on the loan repayments.

Babies under three months have more gold in their hair than older people. This comes from their mother’s breast milk and can reach double the average concentration of gold in Earth’s crust, so it's been suggested by the Home Secretary that the elderly may wish to babysit their grandchildren more frequently and hand them over if their pensions don't cover the loan repayments.

Labour has opposed this move, saying there's enough gold in human excrement for the chancellor to recover if he's prepared to rummage around in it to get his money back.

Image: Pixabay/istara

Fuel Crisis Petrol Station Etiquette: government issues advice

HM Government has today issued the following guidelines for motorists queuing for petrol in the current fuel crisis:

1. If you know you are going to be queuing for fuel the following morning, it is recommended you put yourself in the right frame of mind the night before. Try kicking back with a beer and watching one of the following movies:

a. Falling Down

b. Bullitt

c. The Purge

2. Ensure you choose the most appropriate vehicle before going for fuel. Choose the biggest, thirstiest car in your collection and fill its boot with jerry cans.

3. Before leaving the house make sure you are properly equipped. Remember the Police currently have an amnesty on the use of hand weapons in petrol stations during the fuel crisis, and it’s not as if there are CCTV cameras that will see you anyway.

4. Driving instructors should plan their lessons carefully, ensuring there are plenty of petrol stations on the route. After all, learner drivers need plenty of practice with clutch control and braking.

5. Nipping in a long queue to a fuel station is recommended. The drivers behind you will appreciate your ingenuity and resourcefulness.

6. The old “I only need to pump up my tyres – well, actually while I’m here…” trick is a much-admired queue-jumping dodge, which will illicit much admiration from your fellow road users.

7. The following persons are permitted to jump petrol station queues:

a. People with big German cars and important jobs to do who are late for a meeting.

b. People who fought for you in the war.

c. People who have lived in the area for years and accordingly have priority.

d. People who spot a gap.

The following persons have no authority to jump petrol queues and should wind their necks in and wait patiently:

a. The elderly

b. Disabled drivers

c. NHS and emergency services keyworkers

d. Fuel tankers

8. When arriving on the forecourt, be selective over the pump you use. Choose your favourite position / pump number and only consider pumps that have nozzles on the same side as your petrol cap. Only the most gauche of drivers would stretch a fuel line across their rear windscreen.

9. If you are refuelling a 1 litre bubble car you only use twice a week to drive to the WI and back, ensure you fill the tank to the financial limit set by that petrol station. Government scientists are still trying to establish whether petrol or diesel can actually go off in a fuel tank.

10. It is important to keep the emergency services on their toes, especially the 4th emergency service – the AA. If you have time, put the wrong fuel in your tank and see how long it takes them to get to you to change it over.

11. If your local garage has a convenience store in it, don’t waste the opportunity. Knock yourself out and do a full weekly shop while you are in there.

JackYates

Image: Pixabay/ElasticComputeFarm

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Cast of It Ain't Half Hot, Mum to take charge of petrol crisis.

After announcing that the army is to help resolve the fuel crisis, Grant Shapps, has confirmed that the concert party from 1970s BBC sitcom It Ain't Half hot, Mum will be taking an active role.

The fact that most of the cast have now died does not seem to be of any concern to Mr Shapps, who is convinced that they are the best men for the job. The Royal Artillery Concert Party, will be responsible for the logistical planning and delivery of fuel to service stations all over the country, whilst simultaneously providing entertainment for queueing motorists.

A new version of the song "Meet the Gang" will be played on giant screens on the forecourts. La De Dah Gunner Graham will play piano while Melvyn Hayes, dressed as Greta Garbo, will soothe angry customers by dancing seductively around them with a feather boa and winking seductively.

Holograms of Don Estelle and Windsor Davies will sing a new version of their 1975 hit, "Whispering Grass", now titled "Rationing Gas", with Davies occasionally asking motorists "to show them lovely shoulders".

A Labour spokesman claims the idea was stolen from them, citing the successful scheme last year when the cast of Are You Being Served delivered truckloads of pasta and toilet rolls to most of the UK's major supermarkets.

Image: Pixabay/Skitterphoto

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