Charity shops reveal the extent their income was boosted by the pandemic

British charities have announced they are well prepared to cope with any number of Ukrainian refugees that Westminster allows into the UK, should any ever actually manage to complete the paperwork, thanks to politicians and managers from industry emptying their bookshelves of 10p books.

The situation was due to the pandemic and consequent Zoom meetings. Overnight, politicians and managers were put in the predicament of having to prove they knew stuff to anyone with access to their meetings by having a large array of books behind them. Our reporter who was fortunate to be allowed into the Transport Secretary's home office asked why he had so many Thomas the Tank Engine books on his bookshelf and whether he was a fan of Wilbert Awdry's writing. The Transport Secretary told her he might well be if and when he gets the time to get around to reading them, but proudly showed off his colouring, which is now almost entirely inside the lines.

Doris Clegg, a care home worker from Dewsbury, told NewsBiscuit how pleased she'd been since since charities stopped dumping so many their unsellable books on them. "it's a pain in the butt whenever the Oxfam truck turns up with a van full of books they imagine they'll be doing us a favour with and we have to sort through them. Thankfully the 1p stickers make it easier to toss the Jeffrey Archer and Nadine Dorris novels onto the pile destined for bonfire night. Ironically, the people the charity shops aim to serve - the poor, the old, the dispossessed - have started to request the very books the charities are glad have been appropriated by politicians to make it look like they can read.

'With fuel prices rising, any tat that burns is welcome,' admitted one charity shop worker.

Image: LubosHouska | Pixabay

New clause added to government fuel payments loan

Tory scientists have informed the chancellor that each human body contains 0.2mg of gold plus numerous other precious trace elements. As a consequence, anyone taking advantage of the fuel loan is now obliged to sign a form that allows the government to melt their body down to extract the bullion it contains in the event they default on the loan repayments.

Babies under three months have more gold in their hair than older people. This comes from their mother’s breast milk and can reach double the average concentration of gold in Earth’s crust, so it's been suggested by the Home Secretary that the elderly may wish to babysit their grandchildren more frequently and hand them over if their pensions don't cover the loan repayments.

Labour has opposed this move, saying there's enough gold in human excrement for the chancellor to recover if he's prepared to rummage around in it to get his money back.

Image: Pixabay/istara

Fuel Crisis Petrol Station Etiquette: government issues advice

HM Government has today issued the following guidelines for motorists queuing for petrol in the current fuel crisis:

1. If you know you are going to be queuing for fuel the following morning, it is recommended you put yourself in the right frame of mind the night before. Try kicking back with a beer and watching one of the following movies:

a. Falling Down

b. Bullitt

c. The Purge

2. Ensure you choose the most appropriate vehicle before going for fuel. Choose the biggest, thirstiest car in your collection and fill its boot with jerry cans.

3. Before leaving the house make sure you are properly equipped. Remember the Police currently have an amnesty on the use of hand weapons in petrol stations during the fuel crisis, and it’s not as if there are CCTV cameras that will see you anyway.

4. Driving instructors should plan their lessons carefully, ensuring there are plenty of petrol stations on the route. After all, learner drivers need plenty of practice with clutch control and braking.

5. Nipping in a long queue to a fuel station is recommended. The drivers behind you will appreciate your ingenuity and resourcefulness.

6. The old “I only need to pump up my tyres – well, actually while I’m here…” trick is a much-admired queue-jumping dodge, which will illicit much admiration from your fellow road users.

7. The following persons are permitted to jump petrol station queues:

a. People with big German cars and important jobs to do who are late for a meeting.

b. People who fought for you in the war.

c. People who have lived in the area for years and accordingly have priority.

d. People who spot a gap.

The following persons have no authority to jump petrol queues and should wind their necks in and wait patiently:

a. The elderly

b. Disabled drivers

c. NHS and emergency services keyworkers

d. Fuel tankers

8. When arriving on the forecourt, be selective over the pump you use. Choose your favourite position / pump number and only consider pumps that have nozzles on the same side as your petrol cap. Only the most gauche of drivers would stretch a fuel line across their rear windscreen.

9. If you are refuelling a 1 litre bubble car you only use twice a week to drive to the WI and back, ensure you fill the tank to the financial limit set by that petrol station. Government scientists are still trying to establish whether petrol or diesel can actually go off in a fuel tank.

10. It is important to keep the emergency services on their toes, especially the 4th emergency service – the AA. If you have time, put the wrong fuel in your tank and see how long it takes them to get to you to change it over.

11. If your local garage has a convenience store in it, don’t waste the opportunity. Knock yourself out and do a full weekly shop while you are in there.

JackYates

Image: Pixabay/ElasticComputeFarm

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