top of page
Search

President Whitmore's speech from 'Independence Day'



Good afternoon.


In less than an hour politicians from here will join others from around the country and you will be launching the largest electoral battle in the history of the United Kingdom.


"United". That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that the chosen date is the 4th of July and you will once again be fighting for our freedom - not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution but from Conservatism.


We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist, and should we win, that day the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday but as the day when the UK declared in one voice,


“We will not go to the back of the NHS queue. We will not let the water companies pollute our rivers. We’re going to live. We’re going to care. Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”




Race on for Tories' choice of GE campaign song

News has leaked that the Tories have set up a new secret think tank, known as W-Tank, under the chairmanship of William Hague. Its task is to select the campaign song to lead the Party to victory in the upcoming general election.


Hague began with the amusing story that during his campaign he had to order all his team to remove from their mobile ringtones the theme from Mission Impossible. Think positive was the order of the day but songs like We Are The Champions & Simply The Best were dismissed as too clichéd and easily stolen by Labour. Likewise Won't Get Fooled Again, though everyone liked the line, Meet the new boss – same as the old boss.


Cameron's personal suggestion, Coward of the County was immediately ruled out when someone read the lyrics. One member was deeply disappointed when his suggestion Hole in the Ground was deemed too niche.


Then a buss of excitement swept the room. Yes! people said, retro-ironic enough for the yoof vote and perfect for the core pensioners. Speculation broke out over whether they could be thawed out from a cryogenic chamber or if the scratchy old vinyls would be OK. One member said he knew of a company in Rwanda which could produce shiny new remasters on state-of-the-art CDs.


Whatever, the firm favourite pro tem is Miki & Griff's version of A Little Bitty Tear Let Me Down.




If you thought the last 14 years were bad, vote Tory to see what comes next - Sunak

The Prime Minister took some time out today to urge the electorate to consider completing the 'Tory Sh!tshow' boxset by voting for them in the upcoming, much delayed, General Election.


'Every season we like to end on a cliff hanger.  Will the people vote to "get Brexit done", or will they act rationally?  Will the person in charge of the winning party at the start of the season be replaced once, twice or thrice during the season?  Is a fourth replacement possible?


'Will the Tories destroy the NHS, or will it struggle on for another season?  Again?  Ditto UK manufacturing, armed forces, teaching? 


'Will we find billions under the Treasury couch to bung to our friends, again?  Who knows? 


'In fact, if you don't vote for the Tories to be in charge of the next season you might never know what we are going to wreck. Spoiler alert - it's everything.


'It's a dangerous world out there - way more dangerous than 14 years ago and why do you think that is? eh?


'And who is best placed to ensure we die in a death spiral - not Labour, that's for sure,' said the Prime Minister to a crowded room of sleeping journalists.  He knew they hadn't listened to a word and knew he'd won his bet again.  They only story they would write up would be the one where Angela Rayner crashed the economy by possibly not paying £1500 Capital Gains Tax.




bottom of page