top of page


Secret recordings have come to light of Reform candidate Wayne Topping caught giving a speech at a private party in which he appears to make, what have been described as, generous and understanding comments about illegal immigrants arriving in the UK.


Mr Topping who is a prospective parliamentary candidate for Reform is heard saying “look all I’m saying is some of these people are escaping really terrible places and they work hard when they get here.’ He went on to say ‘I reckon everyone deserves a decent chance at life, and anyway some of them are supposed to be good at maths’


In the immediate aftermath Nigel Farage sought to distance himself from Mr Topping’s comments by saying 'Look our candidates are not the polished metropolitan politicians of the bigger parties, you can’t expect a lot of Downing Street spin from us' he went on 'but what I will say is that Reform absolutely distances itself from Mr Topping’s frankly disgusting comments. Those generous and understanding views about immigrants don’t reflect the views of our party. I know the real Mr Topping and he would agree with me when I say that all immigrants should be rounded up by the army and fired back to France in a large cannon that will be paid for from Brexit dividends.'






A further scandal engulfed the Tories today, when it was revealed that some Tories have been betting on the fate of the Tories caught betting on the election date.


The scandal came to light when Rishi Sunak announced that the party would “withdraw support” from them, but not expel them or ban them from standing as Tory candidates. Someone in the crowd is said to have yelled “Yes!!! Pay up, losers!” He was then seen to pocket wads of cash given to him by irritated colleagues, one of them muttering that he was sure Sunak would do nothing at all.


”This is quite appalling,” said a senior Tory. “That the party of Churchill and Macmillan should have descended to this sort of grubby behaviour. We need a full enquiry to establish the facts.”


He then immediately opened a book on who would lead the enquiry and which boardroom it would be based in. 


It’s not known what will happen if the “unsupported” MPs nevertheless retain their seats in Parliament. One possibility is they’ll be made to sit on a special green bench reserved for “oiks”, and the other Tory MPs won’t invite them along next time they go out to trash a restaurant.






The little-known Magic Party launched its election manifesto today, to wide popular acclaim.


The headline promises in the manifesto are:


- health, wealth and happiness for all


- good schools for everyone


- a good home for everyone


- stopping global warming


- low tax


- peace on earth

- free beer at polling stations


Ordinary voters are very positive about the manifesto promises, despite some lack of detail on how these ambitious goals will be delivered. They are not deterred by the Magic Party’s lack of track record or their unknown candidates.


The charismatic leader of the Magic Party, Dan Galf, is new to general election politics in the UK, but says that similar policies were vote winners in his previous stomping ground which he calls ‘the shires’. He admits that the policies may take more than one term to deliver and that there are some challenges ahead on affordability. He said that negative media coverage of some Magic Party candidates is ‘just a glitch’.


Voters seem ready to embrace the Magic Party and its radical agenda. We spoke to an ordinary voter called Colin Dale, 62, on a Clapham omnibus. He said, ‘The ordinary parties have no vision about housing, schools or health. They just go on about ten more of this, or twenty fewer of that. Or they obsess about weird things like garden bridges and helping rich people with more tax breaks. Or they promise stuff to their funders. Or they plan to do odd things that they’ve already placed bets on.’


Experts say that the Magic Party will need to work hard to break through to the voters. ‘They are going to need some pretty special TikTok videos,’ said one, 'they are up against Ed Davey, after all.'


Colin says that he will seriously consider voting Magic. ‘Voting Magic is just like buying a lottery ticket. It’s not very likely to work out, but if it does, then it would be completely brilliant. When you look at the alternatives, it’s got to be worth a punt.’


Image: Generated using stablediffusion



bottom of page