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Badenoch and Sunak to become Dr Who villains



After the Daleks, the Cybermen and the Weeping Angels, the next alien species set to do battle with Dr Who will be the Tories.


There has been foreshadowing of the Tories’ arrival, as Conservatives have previously claimed that most young white men had turned to a life of crime as a direct result of Dr Who being played by a woman and then by a black man. More recently Kemi Badenoch and Rishi Sunak have now been throwing wild haymakers in the press towards former Dr Who actor David Tennant - all part of a guerrilla marketing campaign.


However, one long-time Dr Who fan grumbled 'It makes sense with all those soon-to-be-unemployed Tory MPs as extras, but the Daleks were already based on the Nazis, so how are the Tories different?'




Jeremy Corbyn targeted by "honeytrap" plot



The Islington Labour figure targeted by a "honeytrap" plot has been identified as former leader Jeremy Corbyn.


Corbyn says he was approached by a shadowy figure while tending to his allotment over the weekend.


"He said I had a very nice allotment, but it was rather small, and he could help me with that. He said he had influence with the officials who allocated them, and he happened to know of a large plot that would soon become available, due to the previous owner meeting with an unfortunate accident.


"Not only was the allotment bigger than mine, it also had a very nice bench, and a little shed where I could store my tools, so I didn't have to bring them with me every time.


"All he wanted in return was that I should agree to meet a certain group of 'investors' he represents, with a view to developing a working relationship that would be profitable for all concerned.


"Of course, I told him I was perfectly happy with the allotment I have - it's a nice sunny spot, and I don't have time to manage a bigger plot anyway. Seeing that I couldn't be bought, he turned to crude threats. He said my radishes were doing very well, and it would be a terrible shame if slugs got at them.


"Then he walked away, trampling all over my neighbour Reg's runner beans, just to show he meant business."


Mr Corbyn's vegetables have now been given 24 hour police protection, apart from Diane Abbott who had it anyway as MP for Hackney North.




Outcry as Reform secretly praises immigrants



Secret recordings have come to light of Reform candidate Wayne Topping caught giving a speech at a private party in which he appears to make, what have been described as, generous and understanding comments about illegal immigrants arriving in the UK.


Mr Topping who is a prospective parliamentary candidate for Reform is heard saying “look all I’m saying is some of these people are escaping really terrible places and they work hard when they get here.’ He went on to say ‘I reckon everyone deserves a decent chance at life, and anyway some of them are supposed to be good at maths’


In the immediate aftermath Nigel Farage sought to distance himself from Mr Topping’s comments by saying 'Look our candidates are not the polished metropolitan politicians of the bigger parties, you can’t expect a lot of Downing Street spin from us' he went on 'but what I will say is that Reform absolutely distances itself from Mr Topping’s frankly disgusting comments. Those generous and understanding views about immigrants don’t reflect the views of our party. I know the real Mr Topping and he would agree with me when I say that all immigrants should be rounded up by the army and fired back to France in a large cannon that will be paid for from Brexit dividends.'




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