Protests as God introduces 5G only prayer service

Religious groups around the world have been hit as God has announced that from September, prayers would only be answered via 5G.

Even the Vatican has echoed the complaints; "5G service is quite patchy around here", said a disgruntled Pope, "I was close to negotiating world peace, an end to hunger and Donald Trump being sent prison when I realised there was no signal and only one request got received. So, fingers crossed.

Image: Pixabay/fotoblend

First published 28 Aug 2023

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God admits to planting fossils

There is much rejoicing across the American Bible Belt today as the Earth's real age of 6,000 years has been confirmed by its Creator. 'When you're an omnipotent deity, sticking a few funny animal shapes into rocks is no big deal,' says God. 'Anyone who's read the Old Testament will know that I'm a dab hand with special effects. If I parted the Red Sea then I can easily slip a fake jawbone under a few feet of earth."

God will not reveal what other surprises He has in store, but He does hint at a major bombshell on the astronomy front. 'The solar system is not as it seems,' is all He would say for now. 'It's amazing how easily you can play optical illusions with the cosmos when you've designed it yourself. Put it this way, Galileo's work will soon be back on the Index.'

The Natural History Museum has closed for business after apologising for 'misleading the public since 1881'. Its manager has confirmed the premises will be up for sale 'as soon as we've shifted all those so-called dinosaur bones off to a landfill somewhere'. Experts are forecasting widespread job losses in university departments around the country. Richard Dawkins has admitted his professorship at Oxford is finished. 'But never mind,' he says, 'I have my eye on an upcoming vacancy for Archbishop of Canterbury.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Trump Congratulates Pope Leo

As news of the newly-elected Pope reached The White House, a press-conference was convened so the President could congratulate the new Pope personally, via news media from many many many miles away.

‘Pope Leo – you hear that? Pope Leo they’re calling him. Because he’s a lion - Rawwrrr. An American lion – a beautiful American lion.  He roars. Did you know that? Yeah he roars -  Rawrrrr. That’s him. That’s how he roars. Pope Leo, the king of the Vatican jungle. Not King of Heaven though – that’s God – that’s the big guy. And not King of the Jews – that’s the other big guy. The not-quite-as-big-as-the-big-guy-but-still-a-big-guy guy.

'Pope Leo’s great. Isn’t Pope Leo great? Pope Leo’s great. He’s got a hot-line to God – you know that? You hear that? A hot-line to God. I’m guessing it’s like the red phone I use to call Batman. You remember that? When Joker was causing trouble? And I called Batman in? Where was I? Where did I go? You’ve never seen me and Batman in the same room together – that’s all I’m saying. I’m not saying anything - That’s all I’m saying.’

After a two-handed sip from a Tommy tippee cup, Trump returned to the matter at hand.

'Finally, God’s justice has been done and the Pope is a citizen of the United States of America. For years we’ve trusted in God – it’s even on our money - and finally. Finally. Our faith has been rewarded. I’ve already sent an e-mail to Pope Leo the lion asking him to ask God to use his magic woo-woo powers to build a great, godly wall on our border with Mexico. And I’m feeling good about it. I’m feeling good. Are you feeling good? You should be feeling good. I’m feeling good.

'So finally, in closing, and to conclude, I’m looking forward to Pope Lionel inviting me to an all expenses paid state visit to the Vatican. I’m looking forward to arranging for him to visit Area 51 in exchange for a tour around the Vatican vaults. We have some awesome alien technology – did you know that? We have some awesome alien technology – it’s alien technology, and it’s awesome. That’s the best kind of awesome alien technology. And we could integrate some of this awesome alien technology that we have, into his little Pope-car. Anti-gravity pads and stun rays. All I ask in return is the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail. That’s all. I promise – I promise. You have my word as someone who may or may not be Batman, that I will not ever, ever use these items for nefarious means. Our current shenanigans with China have no bearing on this negotiation at all.’

At this point a random bolt of lightening appeared within the room and struck the President right in the head. Whitehouse medical staff were on hand immediately, after being briefed that this sort of thing was likely to happen.