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Putin declares first phase complete as Hogwarts is surrounded



In a surprise tactical change, the Russian army has withdrawn from Ukraine and encircled Hogwarts school, claiming the liberation of a fictional location was their intent all along. 'You can shove your sanctions,' suggested a Russian spokesman, 'once we force Harry Potter to surrender then we will be all powerful.' The UK government has extended sanctions to include all J K Rowling books, but noted that as Hogwarts isn't in NATO it can't intervene, even in literature. 'We might provide a poem or two,' suggested a spokesman from the MoD.


First published 29 March 2022




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Cottage cheese now more popular than chocolate with adolescent trick or treaters

The foodstuffs considered a treat by adolescents has changed from being mainly sugar based to being firmly protein based. Across the land this Halloween witches, Harry Potters, demons, zombies, skeletons and lazy cats clutched orange plastic cheery faced pumpkin buckets and sighed loudly at the offerings proffered on doorsteps which in no way aligned with their fitness journeys.


While walking on the actual journey between houses conversation was about what’s your favourite protein? Cottage cheese, previously just eaten by your chunky Aunty Margaret during the early part of the week before she gave up dieting again until next Monday, was a popular choice. A horror story was told about how previous generations wasted eggs by throwing them rather than showing them off in beautiful breakfasts on the socials.


One exasperated at the end of half term mother said her youngsters are mad for protein in the way she and her brother were mad for football stickers and scented erasers. One thing uniting the generations however was how much fun is it to be outside at night with friends and pretending to be frightened of small children dressed as diminutive ghouls.




War criminals aside, Gillian Keegan is the most annoying person


Uniting Arab, Jew and newly qualified teachers, Keegan has established herself as the one person everyone would like to see convicted of crimes against education.


Not so much dangerous, as she is frustratingly bothersome, the Education Secretary is the answer to the question - what would Dolores Umbridge and Miss Trunchbull be like, if they were less empathetic?


In a world ravaged by the worst atrocities ever, nothing can compare to the sheer level of dumb to come out of Keegan's mouth. Even the Israeli PM admitted that although he would bomb the odd school or hospital, he would never build them with aerated concrete.


Her current plan to remove the right to strike from teachers has been greeted with all the enthusiasm as a fart in a lift. Her aide said: 'Every day is a school day - which is why we'll be getting rid of all the holidays as well.'


Photo by CDC on Unsplash

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