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That Kemi Badenoch speech in full

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'Yes, hooray, we now have a policy and it's a big juicy one.


'After months in the wilderness with no policies, the Tories are back, with a bang.


'Not health, not justice, not education, not tax. No. This policy is about planning. The policy is no change of use for hotels without planning permission. This is an absolute game changer. This will win an avalanche of votes.  It's not anti-immigrant or anti-asylum-seeker.  It's not pandering to white working class poor people.  This is about the proper use of the planning system.


'No need for any other policies. No need to be a thoughtful and challenging opposition to the government. No need to fear scary Nigel any more. Gamechanger!


'Do I think that people will notice that we are opportunistic, mean-spirited and morally bankrupt. No. People are smarter than that.


'Do I think that people will notice that we don't have anything useful to offer on any of the big issues of the day. Yes. But who cares. The election is ages away.'



Badenoch Appoints ChatGPT to Shadow Cabinet

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In a shake-up to the opposition front bench, Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch has made the decision to appoint an AI system to the position of Shadow Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster.


Lord GPT, as it will have to be known to avoid running afoul of Parliamentary procedure, will respond to Government decisions more efficiently and quickly than its predecessor. Within seconds, it will analyse any released reports, archives of Hansard, and statements to the media, then provide a press release saying the decision by Keir Starmer's team is wrong and that the Conservative Party wholly condemn it.


'Once again, it's the Conservative Party that is at the forefront of innovation,' said Shadow Science and Technology Secretary Alan Mak. 'This Labour Government is happy to send us back to the 1970's and its union-controlled politics, while we are looking to the future and unleashing the power of AI to reduce mistakes and increase efficiency. Currently our only challenge is how to make a cloud-based entity align with our desire to get civil servants back into the office, as giving a desk to a non-corporeal essence may seem odd. However, as an interim measure, we have placed a mannequin in an office chair, allowing meetings and discussions to take place, even if they're with a lifeless facsimile of a person and meaning it feels like you're talking to a potato. It's remarkably similar to when Mark Francois was in the Shadow Cabinet.'


Reform Party leader Nigel Farage was devoutly against the appointment when asked yesterday by the BBC at their daily breakfast meeting, remarking, 'It's yet another key job going to a non-British person or manifestation. I'm also personally infuriated, as I've been using ChatGPT for all our policy decisions in the last six months and it means they're now shared with the Tories thanks to the terms and conditions of use. Plus, given its connections to Russia and China, it'll be giving them access to all our secret briefings, and that's my job!'



Picture credit: Wix AI

Labour to blame for record low Full Moon, says Kemi

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"Keir Starmer should be utterly ashamed that this month's Strawberry Moon has plummeted to the lowest point for a Full Moon since 2006," said Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch. "This is due to a 'major lunar standstill' which Labour was totally responsible for and did nothing to prevent," continued Ms Badenoch, in between wild howls at the Moon. "We Conservatives pledge that we will take the British Moon back to its rightful place in the heavens," she said, standing on a bare hillside and ranting at the sky.


"It is because of 14 years of Tory rule that the Moon has sunk to this abject level," replied Sir Keir Stargazer, "but under Labour, you will see it steadily return to its former heights. That might actually be the biggest thing we'll have to crow about, come the next election."


"With the Moon this low, there's never been a better opportunity to put doughty British astronauts on its surface," said Reform leader Nigel Fruitcake. "They could virtually jump there.


"Just call 0800-LOONYTUNES and pledge 50 bitcoins to the Reform UK Moonshot Fund to hear me talk and talk about it, c/o my closed down Coutts account."



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