The Conservative Party has defended appointing a former neo-Nazi as an anti-extremism adviser, saying it was delighted to have finally recruited someone with relevant experience. “We advertised for somebody with an extensive background in extremism and his CV really stood out,” said a Conservative spokesman. “He has experience of radicalisation from the ground up and understands the sector in a way that somebody who hasn’t actually been imprisoned for antisemitic harassment simply couldn’t.”
Kemi Badenoch defended the appointment, arguing that the Conservatives believe in rehabilitation and second chances.
Party officials are now understood to be reviewing other appointments, including recruiting an arsonist as fire-safety adviser, a burglar to chair the Home Security Commission and several former Conservative ministers to investigate political incompetence.
A spokesman stressed that the anti-extremism position is unpaid.
“We’re not completely mad.”
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Andy Burnham has already transformed people's finances by announcing £2 bus fares and tiny VAT reductions for pubs.
Now he's going to make life infinitesimally more affordable for fatties by subsidising KitKats, Twix bars and Curly Wurlies by up to 0.0003%.
'These are small beginnings', a spokesman said, 'but for the hardest-up in society these savings will add up to a meaningful amount, just as long as they're willing to buy in bulk. The saving on a thousand Curly Wurlies would cover your bus fare home. It won't. But it's nice to think that it might'.
'Critics are just a bunch of moaners, though they probably have a point. What did Oscar Wilde call them? Twats, I think it was.'
Conservative Head Girl Kemi Badenoch described the measures as 'too little, too late' and promised to build a time machine to stop the rebranding of Marathon bars. She would also consider offing the young Adolf Hitler but said that 'wasn't a priority' as his values were rapidly coming back into fashion.
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