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People who aren’t interested in the coronation of King Charles III are spending way more time talking about it than people who are a bit interested and will watch it because it’s an historic event. Jeremy Rummage is not interested in the coronation and has told his wife of his disinterest (repeatedly), his neighbours on both sides twice, the postman, the man in the newspaper shop, a dog walker, a queue of people waiting for a bus, the goldfinches using his bird feeder and a squirrel. Jeremy has called those who will watch it quiche loving peasants, crown obsessed mugs and kowtowing serfs. He has been met with nonchalant shrugs and is hoping to meet an ardent royalist in his real life, a good lively one like there seems to be no shortage of on the vox pops on the telly.






Pro-Royal tabloids are pre-furious about the imagined cabal of 'commies, lefty lawyers, the BBC and the EU' not wanting to pledge allegiance to Chuck 3 and all his descendants - even though it isn't the middle ages any more.


'It's heads on spikes time and no mistake.' said one royalist, who separately confirmed that they owned every available piece of Union Jack or royal-branded crockery and also had a huge problem with self-loathing. 'Why won't they prostrate themselves in front of their lord, master and better, their King and rightful overlord?'


As solid gold hat day approaches, the frothing tabloids are competing to have the highest number of pages in their coronation pull-out sections.


Meanwhile, governments across the world are queueing up to (re)join the British Empire, with one saying 'It went so well last time, what could possibly go wrong?'




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