Tories admit 'mango sorbet' is a business euphemism

Business leaders have been highly critical of a three thousand pound a head business lunch at the Conservative Party conference which failed to deliver, amongst other things, any useful Conservative MPs, despite Kwasi Kwarteng speaking to every table.

Most of the complaints, though, were that James Cleverly closed the business dinner down 'before the mango sorbet was served', according to insiders today. A Conservative spokesman was initially nonplussed at the allegation - 'it's a pudding, we're here to deliver growth, growth, growth, not puddings,' he is said to have spluttered, before realisation dawned on him. 'Mango sorbet - government contracts without competition. Now I get it,' he said tapping his nose.

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Anti-Growth Coalition shot Kennedy

New findings suggest that the shadowy ‘anti-growth coalition’ was behind the Kennedy assassination in 1963.

I definitely saw a coalition on the grassy knoll,” said an eyewitness. 'They were saying something about holding Britain back with high taxes, then a gunshot rang out.'

This isn’t the first time the evil coalition has been accused of doing naughty things. Global warming, high prices, declining standards in Strictly Come Dancing, Peppa Pig’s abortion, Michael Fabricant’s hair and the Bermuda Triangle are all believed to be the fault of this evil cabal.

Economists are in broad agreement that the dastardly policies of the AGC led to the failure of Kwasi Kwarteng’s otherwise brilliant Special Budgetary Operation, and unfortunately led to large numbers of hedge fund managers making millions of pounds, an outcome which Mr Kwarteng definitely didn’t want to happen.

Government palaeontologists have also said that it was the AGC, rather than a big comet, which wiped out the dinosaurs. We can but hope.

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Kwasi Kwarteng "still hopeful" for employee of the month award

The chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, is reported to have cleared a space on a side cabinet for an Employee of the Month award.

"He's surprisingly optimistic.", said a treasury spokesman. "I have explained that destroying the pound, humiliating the party and pushing mortgage rates through the roof isn't an ideal start to a career."

Your reporter repeated these reservations to Mr Kwarteng who responded, "Well, I think you'll find there's more to the job that running the economy. I carried a tray of champagne for some mates at a do the other day and they seemed jolly appreciative; that counts for something."

When it was pointed out that the Treasury doesn't actually have an employee of the month award. Mr Kwarteng responded, "Well, it will after my conference speech. And might I add, I've a really tidy desk; the prime-minister asked me to clear it this morning."

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