top of page
Search

HS2 to be replaced by water slides

Updated: Jan 1, 2022


ree

The government has scrapped the HS2 high-speed rail line and intends to replace it with a network of water slides. The Prime Minister announced that this would mean faster travel times between all major UK towns and cities at least 5 years earlier than planned. Travellers will be provided with towels at former railway stations and there will be vending machines providing commuters with goggles, hot drinks, Frazzles, and those rubber socks for in case you catch a verruca.


Labour has accused the Government of reneging on their election promises but a Minister for the Department Transport told us Labour were just jealous. “Our water slides will be environmentally friendly, compared to other means of transport, and many jobs will be created in water proof ticket sales and employing people with big rubber-tipped sticks to stop any fatties getting stuck in the pipes and clogging the system.”


During PMQs, Mr Johnson refused to comment on rumours that the East Midlands-Leeds high-speed line would not be upgraded to water slides but will be just a regular log flume built on the current railway lines.






Johnson senior to head up research in to distance apples fall from trees

Updated: Nov 28, 2021


ree

The Labour Party has expressed outrage that Stanley Johnson, father of the Prime Minister, has been awarded a contract to head up research into how far apples fall from trees.


'It's a travesty and a complete waste of public money,' said a Labour spokesman today, 'because we all know the distance an apple can fall is strictly limited by the tree height, the acceleration due to gravity and the frictional coefficient of grass. Newton could have answered this question in the Seventeenth Century, and Johnson senior could have asked him himself had he gone to the right schools.'


Other objectors think the physics angle is the wrong issue. 'It's not about the science, it's about the lack of opportunity for others better qualified to apply,' said a Lib Dem spokesman. 'There was no job advert, no interview and no attempt to set an appropriate wage for the job,' he said.


A spokesman for the Prime Minister's father disagreed with all the complaints. 'Mr Johnson is too busy to respond directly as he needs to ensure he has suitable administrative support. He's sleeping with a couple of applicants this afternoon and if the blue pill works he'll be sleeping with a couple more this evening before making his decision,' he said.






Labour leader calls for resignation of 1980s amorous TV milkman

Updated: Dec 17, 2021


ree

According to an insider, Labour leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has called for the resignation of 1980s' sitcom milkman, Dave Deacon of Dawson's Dairy.


Our reporter was told, “Dawson's lifestyle and cheeky disposition are not compatible with the current thinking and culture of the Labour Party and his attitude towards women goes totally against the moral values of the party. His behaviour is often disgracefully sexist and needs to stay in the past where it belongs.”


Tory MP, Sir Colin Bottletop, said “Starmer's opinion is, as usual, misinformed nonsense and that, if anything, Dave Deacon is a role model for young people today. He encourages the recycling of glass bottles, drives an electric milk float and is extremely community minded, often visiting lonely, young women in the community.”


Mr Deacon, football mad, womanising, lead character in the ITV series Bottle Boys, played by Robin Askwith, was unfortunately unavailable for comment.






bottom of page