Government denies cost cutting as it launches Pre-Loved lateral flow kits and PPE

The government's 'living with covid' strategy has hit resistance as the public are being asked to re-use lateral flow kits or return them to health centres for reissue. 'Of course we're going to lick the swabs clean before we re-issue them,' said a government spokesperson today, 'and who hasn't borrowed a friend's face mask? eh? Of course you have,' he said before adding, 'oh, you haven't? Aren't you la-de-da, I bet you've had one of those PPE contracts and feel you can afford anything, don't you?'

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Drinkers furious over shortage of lager flow tests

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It's gone too far now,' observed 17-stone Rob Franks, a hotel front of house manager from Romford.

'I like to sink a few pints of Lidl Premium Pils with my mates after dealing with a very demanding clientele all day. Now the idiots who run the NHS have run out of test kits. I mean, how do I keep an eye on how many I've had? It's out of order. I can understand them running out of non-essential bits and bobs like PCR tests, but lager flow tests? It's utterly bonkers.'

Rob's girlfriend, Tarquina agreed. 'As Rob said, he likes a pint, but not having any lager flow tests so he can keep an eye on his pintage consumption is just completely irresponsible of the government. Let's be honest, we all know there's a fine line between drinking responsibly and punching someone in the face for asking you to keep it down a bit.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/analogicus-8164369/

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Man declares 2022 already worse than 2021 after jamming swab test up left nostril

A man rushed to hospital on New Year's day has made a dramatic statement after surgeons took six and a half hours to remove a sharp object from his nose.

‘2022 is already worse than 2021, and that was bad enough,' said Vic Strutt, a 43-year-old professional free-style drinker from East Sussex. 'Men in my profession are not known for reading instructions, and I just jabbed the sharp end right up me hooter. The surgeon said I was lucky I didn't skewer my brain.

'I feel bad that I took up valuable bed space for people who haven't had time to take their vaccines but at least I tried.'

A spokesperson for the hospital trust said they were pleased they'd successfully removed the swab. However, they strongly recommended that complete morons take a breathalyser test before attempting to open test kits.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/lukasmilan-6594362/

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