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Breaking news - Santa tests positive!



Children the world over are being urged to sanitise their presents and undergo lateral flow tests until the New Year as the North Pole has confirmed that Santa has tested positive following this year's marathon present giving around the planet, according to a SpokesElf today.


'Santa has been particularly careful this year, staying in self isolation in the North Pole for most of it, but has been making guest appearances around the world over the last couple of weeks,' the SpokesElf stated. 'In the main Santa has maintained social distancing, kept his sleigh well ventilated and has undertaken lateral flow tests daily. There was one particularly raucous party in Downing Street a couple of nights ago and Santa thinks that may be where he picked up the virus,' the elf added.


Downing Street denied there had been a party with Santa in attendance, but confirmed there had been a work related gathering. 'In response to unproven criticism over alleged "Secret Santa" events last year we decided to have an overt Santa event, in the interest of transparency,' said a government spokesman today.


A Conservative MP who didn't want to be named 'in case I end up on the naughty list again' said the uproar over Santa's super spreader event was over the top. We have have argued about the excessive impact of elfen safety for years.'




First published 27 Dec 2021


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Man declares 2022 already worse than 2021 after jamming swab test up left nostril


A man rushed to hospital on New Year's day has made a dramatic statement after surgeons took six and a half hours to remove a sharp object from his nose.


‘2022 is already worse than 2021, and that was bad enough,' said Vic Strutt, a 43-year-old professional free-style drinker from East Sussex. 'Men in my profession are not known for reading instructions, and I just jabbed the sharp end right up me hooter. The surgeon said I was lucky I didn't skewer my brain.


'I feel bad that I took up valuable bed space for people who haven't had time to take their vaccines but at least I tried.'


A spokesperson for the hospital trust said they were pleased they'd successfully removed the swab. However, they strongly recommended that complete morons take a breathalyser test before attempting to open test kits.



First published 4 Jan 2022



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Government denies cost cutting as it launches Pre-Loved lateral flow kits and PPE


The government's 'living with covid' strategy has hit resistance as the public are being asked to re-use lateral flow kits or return them to health centres for reissue. 'Of course we're going to lick the swabs clean before we re-issue them,' said a government spokesperson today, 'and who hasn't borrowed a friend's face mask? eh? Of course you have,' he said before adding, 'oh, you haven't? Aren't you la-de-da, I bet you've had one of those PPE contracts and feel you can afford anything, don't you?'


image from pixabay

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