It's the end of another year, start of a new one. Time to celebrate, overindulge and make some ridiculously unrealistic pledges about what you might be able to change in 2022. Here are 6 things you'll be looking back on with self-loathing, regret and anger early in January when you yet again have failed to make even the most basic adjustments to your humdrum existence.
Do more exercise.
On New Years Eve, you imagine a daily 6am routine in which you are running effortlessly through your local park, listening to motivational podcasts on headphones, nodding with collective respect at your fellow athletes as you crank out some more fartleks and intervals. In reality, you can't move for a week after a 5 minute walk on January 1st, and tread in some really smelly dogshit early as you trudge back to your house, and the trainers are still there in your garden waiting to be cleaned in September.
Cut out red meat
We all want to save the planet, yeh? And improve our bowel function at the same time? Dead right. But the lure of a quarter pounder with cheese from the 'Golden Arches' drive through to cure your New Years Day hangover is too much to resist. And when the text comes in from Dave on January 2nd about the regular Wedensday steak night with th e lads in Wetherspoons, you know you're already f*cked in this one.
Drink less alcohol
Usually pledged late on New Years Eve, just as the ill-advised Warninks advocaat or Pernods are being doled out. Sticking to 21 units a week can't be that hard after all can it? Especially with that handy app you've downloaded which allows you to track your consumption. When you realise that that bottle of Malbec you've just polished off watching a new years day afternoon film is another 12, you're pressing the delete button on that app quicker than you can down that first cold pint of stella in your local (5 units).
You're definitely going to give people the benefit of the doubt in 2022, even your manager Dave, who in 2021, wound you up every time he opened that mouth on his leathery face. He's a person too, and deserves respect and decency at work as much as you. Fast forward to 1030am on 4th January, and you are already slagging him off round the water cooler after he failed to ask you about how your Christmas was and predictably asked you for the sales report that you promised him before Christmas. Why does he do that ridiculous impression of David Brent from the Office when he asks you for something, and does he realise he has a stain on the front of that ridiculously ill-fitting shirt he wears? Oh, no, that's another one to try again in 2023.
Learn a language
It's so easy to learn a language now, you tell all your friends on 31st December. Gone are the days of ordering 12 lingaphone cassettes, or that £200 DVD box-set with the French guy in the suit on the front, that sit gathering dust in your spare room all year. No, now you can get an app. You just switch it on, and all the vocabulary, sentence construction and complex contextual language cues are all imparted to you almost by osmosis during one 10-minute-a-day lesson. You're going to start with Mandarin - its the most widely spoken language in the world after all. By the end of January you can still only say 'Ni-hao' in a piss-poor accent, and realise you don't understand even basic grammar rules in English. Au revoir.
Finish satirical lists with a short and pithy punchline.
You've been trying to do this for years, but just can't find the right phrase or killer line. Its going to be different in 2022 though, you'll be able to end every 'funny' story that you write with a gloriously succinct one-liner, making readers laugh out loud, and think at same time. Ah well, maybe next year.