It's gone too far now,' observed 17-stone Rob Franks, a hotel front of house manager from Romford.
'I like to sink a few pints of Lidl Premium Pils with my mates after dealing with a very demanding clientele all day. Now the idiots who run the NHS have run out of test kits. I mean, how do I keep an eye on how many I've had? It's out of order. I can understand them running out of non-essential bits and bobs like PCR tests, but lager flow tests? It's utterly bonkers.'
Rob's girlfriend, Tarquina agreed. 'As Rob said, he likes a pint, but not having any lager flow tests so he can keep an eye on his pintage consumption is just completely irresponsible of the government. Let's be honest, we all know there's a fine line between drinking responsibly and punching someone in the face for asking you to keep it down a bit.'