Drinkers furious over shortage of lager flow tests

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It's gone too far now,' observed 17-stone Rob Franks, a hotel front of house manager from Romford.

'I like to sink a few pints of Lidl Premium Pils with my mates after dealing with a very demanding clientele all day. Now the idiots who run the NHS have run out of test kits. I mean, how do I keep an eye on how many I've had? It's out of order. I can understand them running out of non-essential bits and bobs like PCR tests, but lager flow tests? It's utterly bonkers.'

Rob's girlfriend, Tarquina agreed. 'As Rob said, he likes a pint, but not having any lager flow tests so he can keep an eye on his pintage consumption is just completely irresponsible of the government. Let's be honest, we all know there's a fine line between drinking responsibly and punching someone in the face for asking you to keep it down a bit.'

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Man declares 2022 already worse than 2021 after jamming swab test up left nostril

A man rushed to hospital on New Year's day has made a dramatic statement after surgeons took six and a half hours to remove a sharp object from his nose.

‘2022 is already worse than 2021, and that was bad enough,' said Vic Strutt, a 43-year-old professional free-style drinker from East Sussex. 'Men in my profession are not known for reading instructions, and I just jabbed the sharp end right up me hooter. The surgeon said I was lucky I didn't skewer my brain.

'I feel bad that I took up valuable bed space for people who haven't had time to take their vaccines but at least I tried.'

A spokesperson for the hospital trust said they were pleased they'd successfully removed the swab. However, they strongly recommended that complete morons take a breathalyser test before attempting to open test kits.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/lukasmilan-6594362/

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Breaking news - Santa tests positive!

Children the world over are being urged to sanitise their presents and undergo lateral flow tests until the New Year as the North Pole has confirmed that Santa has tested positive following this year's marathon present giving around the planet, according to a SpokesElf today.

'Santa has been particularly careful this year, staying in self isolation in the North Pole for most of it, but has been making guest appearances around the world over the last couple of weeks,' the SpokesElf stated. 'In the main Santa has maintained social distancing, kept his sleigh well ventilated and has undertaken lateral flow tests daily. There was one particularly raucous party in Downing Street a couple of nights ago and Santa thinks that may be where he picked up the virus,' the elf added.

Downing Street denied there had been a party with Santa in attendance, but confirmed there had been a work related gathering. 'In response to unproven criticism over alleged "Secret Santa" events last year we decided to have an overt Santa event, in the interest of transparency,' said a government spokesman today.

A Conservative MP who didn't want to be named 'in case I end up on the naughty list again' said the uproar over Santa's super spreader event was over the top. We have have argued about the excessive impact of elfen safety for years.'

Image: Enrique1967

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