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‘I’ve caught worse diseases in Skegness’ insists Anderson



Conservative Party deputy chairman Lee Anderson has condemned asylum seekers for leaving the barge used to house them in Dorset saying he had caught worse diseases than legionella while holidaying in Skegness.

The migrants were evacuated on Friday afternoon after just a few hours on board the vessel when health officials found traces of the deadly disease in the water supply.


However, the controversial MP was not impressed.


Anderson insisted that if you used hotels or B&B in the Skegness area when he was a kid it meant you were almost certain to come away with some life threatening disease or debilitating respiratory condition.


‘Sure we got sick…but we just got on with it’ said the MP for Ashfield in Nottinghamshire ‘our parents would give us 50p for the day and we would go off and have fish and chips, a ride on the donkey, a candy floss, toffee apples, a ride on the helter-skelter, buy a bucket and spade and still have money left over for the penny arcade. We didn’t moan about infectious diseases or deadly bacteria ruining our holiday.


If all you suffered from was dry coughs, confusion, diarrhoea and a week in hospital then you’d had a good holiday’.


Anderson also said the asylum seekers should be grateful the condition was only a namby-pamby French sounding disease found in water supplies and not one of the really hard bastard killer diseases we have thriving everywhere here in England.


‘If they don’t want to catch legionella here in England then they should ‘f**k off back to France….it clearly sounds French so they probably brought it with them anyway’.




First published 14 Aug 2023



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Lee Anderson's guide to solving the cost of living crisis



Conservative MP, Lee Anderson has offered some helpful advice for people who through, fault entirely of their own, find themselves a little short of the old readies:


1) Ask Pop for an advance. That's what I usually do, touch the old feller for a few K to tide me over. Of course, at some point that will stop working.


2) Tip waiters less. If you think about it, tips are simply money down the drain. In normal times, of course, I'd tip 2% like anyone else, make that 1% and it will add up.


3) Get cook to give you some lessons. If you learnt to cook, then you'll find you can halve the cost of buying Kobe beef and Maine lobster at a restaurant.


4) Claim food and drink as 'business expense' - if you're working, why should you pay for the snacks? I've recommended to the prime-minister that he claims all the booze he consumed at Downing Street parties as a legitimate business expense; I'm sure the public would support him.


5) Live in a warmer climate during the winter. I save a fortune in fuel bills by living in our 'cottage' in the Riviera, not everyone may have spotted that opportunity.


6) Sell your farm produce to yourself and claim it back against tax. This is a real wheeze; we all own a farm, big or small, but if you sell, say, 1lb of sprouts for £500,000 to yourself then claim that as a taxable expense, you'll end up with the government paying you to eat sprouts - which seems fair enough.


7) Keep your eyes open for alternatives to Fortnums. Obviously, you can't get everything from your farm and when you do go shopping, tell the chauffeur to keep an eye out for establishments called things like 'Lidl' or, even, 'Aldi'. You can send someone in and surprise yourself at how much you save.


8) Sell one of your houses to a Cayman Island shell company and lease it back to yourself. I know, I know, surely everyone's done this? But there's always someone! Check with your accountant next visiting time.


9) Attend board meetings around lunchtime. We all have to attend tiresome meetings - apparently that was in the small print of the £100k consultancy 'work' I've signed up for. However, insist that the monthly meeting starts around 11:30 - then an hour later, someone will say; 'Is it time for lunch?' and you can quickly say - 'Thanks; I don't mind if I do.' Yum!


10) Divorce a rich person. It might seem obvious that the best way to solve your money worries is to marry a rich person. Well, don't be so sure. Even better, is to marry a rich person, spend like crazy, then divorce them - you'll make a fortune in the settlement.


First published 13 May 2022



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Patriot hits 'raging boner' on the Anderson Angry Scale


A politician with less loyalty to Britain than a queen-fibbing Rees-Mogg has falsely whipped himself up into such a fury that he has exceeded "Vivid Vexation".


Director of Faux Outrage Management at the Institute of Irritation, Andrew Suddenly, confirmed, 'Our sensitive instrumentation recorded several pre-shocks. We knew it was going to be a big blow, so we braced ourselves. But what came next surpassed all previous levels of tetchiness.


'The needle flew past Wretched Wrath, and topped out at Raging Boner. Our expertly designed Anderson Angry Scale has never seen the likes of this before. It may need Reform.'


'If someone tells this moron that his glorious English flag is actually pinched from a Turk, then we'll have to invent a whole new level of cross.'


Image: Newsbiscuit

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