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Post Office unveils flawless new computer system



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Newsbiscuit has been sent a selection of computer-generated letters created by the Post Office's "new and improved" computer system - Horror-izon.


Dear customer,

This is a message from Horror-izon, the Post Office's new, improved, totally glitch-free computer system.

Last Thursday, you picked up your weekly pension at the village post office in St Vennells the Holy Innocent. Horror-izon's records show that we gave you £1,000 too much. Repay us £4,521 immediately, you frail, defenceless pensioner, or die in jail.

We have charged you £20,000 for this letter.


Dear customer,

Horror-izon says you bought 62,500 stamps last week to put on a postcard you sent while on a day trip to Charmouth, but that you only paid for one of them. Pay us the difference immediately or our Post Office investigators will summarily execute you at your kitchen table.

You think we're joking, don't you?

You have been charged £21 million for this letter.


Dear customer,

Horror-izon believes you to be a tanning salon on the outskirts of Slough. Pay us £200 million in business rates or we will demolish you with gelignite and bulldoze the rubble.

Blip.

And Horror-izon has just informed us that it considers itself to be a tiny, green alien piloting the asteroid Beppu through the Kuiper Belt towards Mars.

Blip. Blip.

You have been charged £20bn Klyborgian zlotygas for these underpants.

Blip. Blip. Blip.

Computer rebooting ... Computer rebooting... system malfunction...


Photo by Museums Victoria on Unsplash

Would I Lie To You planning an election special

A spokesman for the popular panel game where celebrities tell tall stories and the opposing side has to guess whether the story is true or a lie said, 'we are planning on running an election special, whenever that is in May'.  The show doesn't normally feature politicians because, 'they all bloody lie, anyway,' but with politics becoming increasingly polarised the producers have conceded it is almost impossible for the man in the street to discern when the truth is being told or otherwise.  Obviously Lee Anderson, Michael Gove and Boris Johnson won't be invited, however the BBC is considering a representative of the Post Office senior management to be included.


'It'll be hilarious, with claims about Brexit benefits, all lies, obviously, and spending plans, ditto being tossed around.  We might even ask Rishi Sunak to tell a tale about how long he intends to stay in the country after the last result is in,' added the producer.  The episode, which would normally run for thirty minutes, is expected to run for three, including the front and end credits.  'We've got a gianormous "Lie" sign mocked up in the colours of the politician making the statement,' said the producer, adding, 'we're not going to bother with the cost of a 'True' sign.'




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